With Love

Mommy Dearest

Meet me, Danielle Leanne Ester.

I'm Danielle. I'm 16 years old & I have two children. Two boys. Braylen, 4 years old & Gabriel, 2 years old. I bet you are wondering how is it that I produced a child at 12 years old? Most girls don't even have their periods at that age. Braylen isn't my biological son, he is my brother but I've been raising him since birth. Gabriel is my son. I had him at 14. How is it that a child can raise not only one but two children? It isn't easy, in fact it is very hard. I have a little job at the grocery store, bagging groceries on weekends. During the week, I babysit my neighbor's children. Some days I would love to give up but I would never give up on my children like my mother gave up on me. Why'd my mother give up on me? I never gave up on her. How'd my mother give up on me? Let's rewind.

I've never been well off. My family has never been well off. We all live with my grandma in section 8 housing. I can look back over my life & remember countless times when I went without eating much or not even eating at all. It was just my mother & I. My twin sister Lanielle died from brain cancer when I was 7 years old. My mom was in a lot of debt from my sister's hospital bills. I admired my mother so much because she never shed a tear. My mother was so strong. I have never seen her cry. Even at our lowest points in life, which seemed like everyday, my mother kept a smile on her face. The happiest & vivacious person I've ever known. I wanted to be just like her. She always told me that "the weak may overcome, the strong must overcome." My mother had Braylen & everything was fine, it seemed like. Times were harder of course but  it never stopped us from being happy. One Sunday, I was at church & I had to run outside to vomit. I was trailing on thin ice when I walked out of church. My grandma & mommy didn't play that. It was blatantly disrespectful to walk while the preacher was preaching. I never understood why. Maybe it was going to hinder someone else's learning experience. 

I thought it was just a stomach virus but coming to find out I was 2 months pregnant. I've never seen my mother so disappointed in me. After that she looked so sad. Months later, I was about to be 6 months. I was at Dixie Springs High School on a Monday morning. The principal got on the intercom & said "Danielle Ester, we need you in the principal's office." I hated walking. I was one lazy pregnant girl. It took me about 5 minutes to gain the strength to even get up. My teacher Ms. Davis asked "do you need help? Chris walk Danielle to the office." I held onto Chris's hand the whole way to the office. I was having pains & if it weren't for Chris I would've probably been sprawled out on the floor. I arrived at the office & the principal called me in his office right away. I remember his exact words "Ms. Ester, how are you? We just got devastating news, your mother committed suicide." I couldn't believe it. I remember thinking I wasn't going to accept that. I said "oh no, you must be mistaking. My mother is strong, we overcome our problems, we don't take shortcuts." My grandma came to pick me up from school, the car ride was silent. I was so disappointed. My grandma is too old & sickly to take care of any children.  All I could think about was my mother not being able to see my son or Braylen blossom. Then, I thought maybe it was my fault. Maybe my mother was overwhelmed. But, I had high hopes for her just like she had high hopes for me. I never expected someone so strong to take the weak way out. I've always thought suicide is for weaklings, no matter what you're put up against you should always be able to overcome it. How was I supposed to raise two children? I know how, I had to fulfill my mother's saying, something she didn't do "the weak may overcome, the strong must overcome." 

Mommy Dearest, I thought the strong had no choice but to overcome? Why'd you give up on me?

With Love