With Love

No Love

Meet Destiny

My childhood scarred me for life. Well, my love life at least. Did you know that 5 in 10 girls grew up with out a father? I am apart of that 5. When I was 7, I had a big 7th birthday party at the park. It was a barbecue/water fight party. All of my friends and family were there. I remember making my dad a special invitation in art class. I worked so hard on it. I put stickers and glitter on it. I colored the whole sheet of paper. I thought If the invitation was attractive, maybe he would actually show up. I remember playing in the run and slip with my cousins and then my mom telling me someone was on the phone for me. It was my dad. I remember throwing my moms phone down and running to the jungle gym to sit by myself. "Whats wrong Destiny?" My mom asked "He's not coming!" I said. "Its okay baby, go have fun!" My mom said "No mommy! Its not okay! Why don't daddy love me?" I asked her. My mother had no answer for that. "Honey, go play" she said "I don't want to play, I wanna go home" My mom made me play. I tried to have a good time but It was really hard. All I could think about is why my father didn't come. I remember on my 13th birthday party at the skating rink. Again, I invited all my friends and family. Again, I invited my father. Again he called me and told me he couldn't make it. Again, he hurt my feelings. I hid it that night. Until I got home.  "Mama, why dad don't come to see me anymore?" "Mama, am I good enough for daddy?" "Mama, I got straight A's in school, you think daddy will love me now?" I remember going to get ice cream with my mom and seeing my dad with a little baby and a woman. I ran up to him speaking, excited to see him and the woman he was with turned out to be his wife and the baby was his son. He was three. What hurt my feelings the most about that was not the face that he got married and didn't tell me, not that he had a baby and didn't tell me but he didn't even remember my name. I decided to never ask about my father again. I cut him off completely. I'm better off without him.

At Dixie Springs High school, I'm the girl boys love and girls hate. I don't have any friends. My cousins don't even talk to me anymore. Oh well, they're just jealous. I lost my virginity in the 7th grade to a boy in high school. I have sex on the regular and my mom knows it. I broke up with this boy name Dee and he was pretty hurt about it. All I could do was laugh because seeing a man suffer was my favorite show to watch. Then I met Javeion. I told myself to go on 3 dates with him, have sex with him, make him fall in love and break his heart.

On our first date, he took me to the movies. That was pretty nice. Our second date he took me to his house to watch movies and "chill" I thought he was going to try to do something with me but he didn't. We just talked. We talked about everything. The first real conversation I had with a man and It was really nice. He told me about his childhood how his mother struggled to keep his and his older brother fed. He told me about his father that wasn't in his life. I told him about my childhood but I left out the fact about my father. I really don't talk about my father. I told him about my mother who is so strong. Then I met his little sister. She was so cute. Her name was Tanyiah. On our third date we picked up a large pizza and  he took me to Hattie Hay Park. The same park I had my 7th birthday at. I never came back to this park after my 7th birthday. He said we was having a picnic. It was cute. He laid out the blanket and we sat on it and ate. We talked for what seems like forever. He asked me why I kept looking around. I told him its been a while since I been to this park. He said you must have loved this park. I told him I hated this park. Then he asked me why. I stared down searching for a lie, any lie. I didn't want to talk about my father. But when my mouth opened. That's all I could talk about. I told him everything. Which was surprising. I don't even talk about my father with my mother. I even cried about my father in front of him. He wiped my tears and kissed me on the cheek. I kissed him on his lips. That was our first kiss. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. Being his girlfriend was not apart of my plan to break boys heart but that day, I decided to cancel the plan because I actually like Javeion. I really did like him.

I introduced him to my mother. He introduced me to his. 2 weeks went by and this boy changed my outlook on a man. I loved him. I loved how I could be myself around him. I loved how I could tell him anything and he never judged me. I was in love with him. I was at his house one day and his little sister Nyiah told me she wanted to be just like me. I told her not to be like me, be better than me. She doesn't have a father in her life just like I didn't growing up but having such a wonderful big brother like Javeion, I knew she was going to be just fine. Me and Javeion was dating for 6 months. On his birthday, I had the best gift I could think of. When he came over, I bought him a necklace and a card. For desert, he had me. Usually when I have sex, I'm in charge. I fuck them, they don't fuck me but Javeion fucked me. Well... not fucked, it was better than fucking. He made love to me. It was the best sex ever. Maybe because I did it with someone I really loved. That night, I told Javeion I loved him for the very first time. He told me he loved me too. After that, Javeion never called me again. Every time I called him, I get no answer. I decided to go to the park to clear my mind. There he was, with Nyiah. Nyiah ran over to me and hugged me and he had no choice but to walk over to me. I asked him why. Just why. He said He don't want to be with me. Then Dee came when he seen me and Javeion talking he looked surprised. Dee handed Javeion a lot of money. I was confused. How did Dee know Javeion.. how did Javeion know Dee? Javeion felt guilty so he told me everything. How me was supposed to have sex with me 3 times instead of once and how he was supposed to break up with me on prom night after he recorded us having sex. Dee paid him $250 dollars to break my heart... and it worked. Javeion broke my heart. I yelled "Who the fuck you think you are? Playing with my heart" Dee said "You mean playing with your heart like you did mine? I really loved you.. and you threw me down Like I wasn't shit" "FUCK YOU! " I yelled trying to hold back my tears "Fuck you too" he said. I ran away. The tears surfaced and rolled down my cheeks.

I finally knew what heart break felt like. I had so much anger. I was so angry with Javeion. I was so hurt. I trusted him. I guess this is what all those guys felt like. Damn, this shit hurt.

With Love