With Love

If You Love Me...

Meet me, Shannon Elyse Hall.

The quote "love makes you crazy" is a quote that I strongly agree with because I couldn't of been anything but crazy for dealing with Devan Lee Armstrong. Devan was my boyfriend for approximately one school year. I was so happy to find a good boyfriend at Dixie Springs High. It's not really hard to find a guy but I needed a guy who fit my standards. Someone who was already as popular as I. I'm not conceited, I don't mind dating someone who isn't at the top of the social class in high school but I'm a nice person so I wouldn't bring someone in who isn't used to the pressure of being popular because not only will it make or break a relationship but if they can't quickly adjust to being put under a microscope it will most likely break the person. Being popular is a hard job. People are anticipating not only your failure but also bad hair days, no make-up days, sick days & "I don't really care how I look days." Everything you do is critiqued & if you care too much about people hating you.. you shouldn't consider this life style. 

Devan & I first hooked up at a football game. I was a cheerleader. He sprang his ankle on the field. My coach asked me to assist him since I did take a medical careers course. He asked for my number. We exchanged numbers & he asked to take me on a date. It went from there. Our relationship was pretty good from jump. We were like the model relationship for everyone at Dixie Springs. Even our teachers favored our relationship. When we walked the halls together I'd always hear people mumbling "I want a relationship like Shan & Devan." We made each other happy. Any time Devan wanted to do something that was out of my character or out of my comfort zone he'd say "well if you love me you'll....." I eventually did whatever it was that he wanted to do because I did love him & I thought that that was what love was truly about. Obeying your partner. I never expected the "if you love me" quote to become so popular in our relationship but it just happened like that. I never believed that Devan was even capable of abusing me. Mentally maybe, but physically never. 

One day Devan & I were at his place alone. He pulled out a canister that had an off white, pinkish powdery substance inside; crack, weed and a blunt. I snapped "what the hell are you doing? are you crazy?" He looked at me & said "you down?" I felt disrespected. I said "no, what the hell? why do you do this?" He replied "why you so judgemental? this is me, this is who i am. If you can't accept me for who I am then why are you here? If you love me, you wouldn't be so critical of everything I do. Smoke with me so we can be above our problems Only if you love me." I, of course ended up smoking & sniffing that night. Another day, after homecoming Devan was high. We had a hotel room. He made me feel so low down for not having sex with him. He, of course said "Shan, if you love me you'll do anything to make sure that I'm satisfied." We had sex. 

The physical abuse first started one day after school. I'd seen Devan hugging this girl. I drove over to Devan's house. We had a very heated argument. I threatened to leave Devan. He grabbed me by my neck & pushed me to the side of his house to make sure no one witnessed what he was about to do. He slapped & punched me repeatedly. He banged my head into the brick wall. I cried out of hurt. I wasn't angry at him because I knew he had a good heart & I knew that he needed help. After that, I tried to assist him with getting off of drugs. He took that as offensive & I was regularly getting my ass beat. I'd cover my black eyes with makeup but not even MAC made good enough makeup to cover up my emotional scars. I stuck by him through everything. I never left him. I didn't stick with him because I was afraid of what he might do to me. I stuck with him because I loved him & I knew that under all of the damage that the drugs had done he had a good heart that loved me back. 

The abuse was finally over after one day we were at school & Devan seen my cousin Chasity hug & kiss me on the cheek. Devan yanked me by my arm & asked "so you gonna leave me for a bitch?" I looked at him in complete shock. I seen the anger & the rage in his eyes. He was infuriated. I just walked off because I just knew that Devan wouldn't get physical with me in public. I thought wrong. Devan yanked me by my 22 inch weave & slammed my head into the locker multiple times. All of my peers stood & watched none of them tried to stop this. Some in horror, some in happiness, some in dismay, some in disappointment but all left in awe. The police officer arrested Devan. They had the whole act on candy camera. Most people felt like I was the cause of him beating me, they felt like I'd provoked him. Very few people took my side. Even friends that I'd had, showed me their true colors. A girl walked up to me & asked "but I thought you loved Devan?" I replied "I can't love Devan because I don't love me, if I truly loved Shannon I wouldn't of even let this go this far." The nerve of some people. I think jail was a good thing for Devan, it's a good place for him to get the rehabilitation & help that he truly needs. 

With Love