With Love

Living Positive

Meet me, La'Toya Alexis Harris

I sat in class asleep with my arm holding my head up because I'd just gotten my hair done & I didn't want it to get messed up until the school social worker Ms. Nelson came in the class & called my name & a few other girls. I rolled my eyes because I thought it was about my grades. I prepared to give her a sob story as an excuse. There were about 20 other girls that she'd already called from different classes. Ms. Nelson had a sharp tongue so I didn't really catch attitudes with her. I asked nicely "excuse me miss, where we finna go?" She turned around & replied "I'm going to need for you to use correct grammar while you're talking to me. You don't think I deserve that type of respect? I'm not one of your friends, honey." I rolled my eyes & kept walking. Our destination was the gym. We went to the gym & when Ms. Nelson opened the door all I seen were cameras, flashing lights & people from MTV. I was like what the hell is going on?

 This girl named Shay asked "they didn't give you the permission slip to be on the show If You Really Knew Me?" I just looked at her. "hell naw they didn't give me no permission slip, what the hell?" Ms. Nelson said "watch your mouth little girl. We took your permission slip directly to your mother to let her sign it." I was happy that I would be on television but also scared because I knew I'd have to tell people my life story & I don't know if I'm quite ready for that. We all sat in a circle. Everyone had to stand up, introduce themselves & tell something about themselves that people didn't know. Shynisha, a really popular, smart girl stood up & said "I'm Shynisha Shantell Smith. I have one son & his name is ShyTravion Demarcus Smith. Nobody but my family knows that I was even pregnant. I gave my son up for adoption because I didn't feel like I was ready for a child & I have a full scholarship to Howard University so I didn't want a child to interfere with that. I don't have any regrets, I'm sure he's doing fine. The people who adopted my son live three blocks away from me. I sometimes sit in my car close to their house just to watch my son's mother put him in the car seat." Everyone became a little teary-eyed. I, who was oft times accused of not having feelings cried. Every girl in this gym had a story. I felt so close to them. You never know the struggles that people face. I was up next.

I stood up. I was really nervous. I said  "My name is La'Toya Alexis Harris & I am HIV positive. I became diagnosed with HIV about two years ago. I had a long term boyfriend for about 4 years, his name is Deshawn, some of you probably know him. He moved to another state because of this. He's known that he has aids three years before we started talking. It hurts me because I thought we had a relationship built off of trust. Turns out that everything I've ever loved was a lie. I found out that I had aids because the BET commercials kept popping up on my TV everyday, i don't know it's like they were speaking to me. I got tested as a joke. I didn't think there was even a chance of me having aids. I was positive that I wasn't positive. People wonder why I'm always missing school & they make up rumours about me. I'm hospitalized ever so often which is why I miss school so much. I don't bring my excuse to school because I don't want anyone to know why I'm out of school. I prefer to take the failing grades than to tarnish my reputation. I have sex with lots of boys because I'm angry. I'm angry with men, boys, anything walking with a penis because they're all the same. If they are ignorant enough not to use a condom they're just given a free opportunity to die slowly. I'm expected to die within the next 5 years. I think I'm better than everyone in high school simply because I value my life. Any day could be my last. I don't stress myself out with little things. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. That's not important. Every moment is valued. That's how it is when you're living positive." I stormed out of the gym crying. I just laid in the hallway on my stomach & cried.

Everything that happened in that gym was confidential & if anything was said outside that gym you'd be expelled from school without a hearing. A few months later the show aired. I didn't know what to expect when I went to school the next day. I walked in school like it was a regular day. None of the boys I'd had sex with come to school, their girlfriends missed school as well. I hope it was to go get tested. I'm pretty sure a lot of people wanted to fight me but they were ignorant & scared they'd catch it through me even touching them. People basically wear a protective suit while around me. I just laugh. I don't care. That's how it is when you're living positive.

With Love