The Asshole is my Kryptonite

Fear is used to control you

Chapter 14

When people distance I never seem to understand it. Some people decide that suddenly they don't want to associate themselves with you. They decide that one you've grown an attachment - a bond, they'll just up and leave. You'll be the one left behind, hurting, breaking and self destruction, trying to figure what you did wrong. Digging into the depths of your dangerous thoughts to find out what you could have so horribly done to cause them to suddenly end all association with them. The thing is, they don't realize how much pain they could have possibly caused you by leaving. They don't realize that maybe just maybe they actually meant something to you; that they actually played a role in your life. And worst of all they don't realize that you were leaning on them. That they were your lifeline and when they were gone the plug got caught in the process. That when they left, the monitor went flat; leaving nothing but a constant smooth beep, with no ups nor downs. No smiles or tears. No joy or sadness - merely numbness.

That's when you learn a lesson, you learn that when it continuously happens maybe the risk isn't worth it - so you stop. You stop trying to make the effort to befriend them or anyone, you stop making the effort to grow a bond and worst of all you stop making an effort to pick yourself back up. That's when you begin to fear it. You fear friendships, relationships, and simply association with anyone. You fear bonding, caring and loving. You fear anything and everything; but I guess that's why fear is used.

Fear is used to control you.

_____________

It's been nearly a week and Miles hasn't spoken to me once. He hasn't looked at me or even acknowledged me. I know I shouldn't care whatsoever but I do. For the first time in a very long time I made a new friend, I was always so afraid since everyone I ever grew close to was taken and never seen again. Honestly the two people who ever stuck by me were my father and Cassidy. They've been there through everything, my tears my laughs and my nagging - never once leaving my side; and to that I'm eternally grateful. So I stopped. I stopped loving and caring, I stopped letting my walls down and I stopped feeling and showing emotion. Then Miles comes along. Stupid, arrogant, narcissistic Miles. Making me smile, making me feel something and making me begin to actually develop some form of an attachment.

 Then bam.                                                                                                                

He's gone.

 He literally has not spoken to me unless it was for our DT assignment, and even then he displayed  no form of emotion. Did I do something wrong? Did I offend him in some way? I just wish he'd tell me. Ever since a young age I've always been one to over think, anything that may have been as a joke was engraved into my mind. Anything said throughout the day was turning knobs in my head during the night. The littlest thing would stay on my mind for days - weeks even.

I don't get Miles. For years he didn't even notice my existence and I was content with that. Then suddenly he decides that he wants to be friends. Then when that bond develops that little bit more he cowers away and leaves me in the shadows. I don't understand him. Did I do something? I wish he'd just tell me! I'm so sick of been played around with, thrown around like a toy then just dropped whenever someone feels like it! I finally begin to lower my walls and I'm instantly given a reason to raise them back up. I let someone in and I already regret it.

"Hey," I'm taken out of my rant when Gabe walks up to me with a smile on his face. Happy people annoy me sometimes.

"Hi. What's gotten you all chirpy today?" I question, eyeing him to see if he was hiding anything.