Examine

twenty-two

ASHLEY

A few days later I receive a text.

Jack: I'm ready to talk now. Meet me at the back of the hotel, Jamison will let you in.

This is what I've been waiting for and still, my gut tightens. Am I ready to blow Jack's world to smithereens?

I swallow and let him know I'll be there after my shift.

Work had been a mind-numbing distraction from my personal life. I hadn't seen Michael in a few days, and all I felt was relief that my ruination wasn't tempting me or reminding me of that awful moment.

You're not worth it.

There's a constant drumbeat in my head reminding me that I don't deserve Jack, that I don't deserve anyone. With disgust, I think of how my feelings for Michael are just like my dad.

The person I want to emulate least; the person I'm afraid of becoming.

Hours later I'm changed back into normal clothes, waiting in the bitter cold evening as I walk up to Jamison, Jack's security, who ushers me into the building.

"How are the kids?" I ask.

He smiles, but there's a strain there. "Michelle did well in her final exams and Ethan has gotten into martial arts."

Too quickly I'm in Jack's room, the door whisking shut behind me.

Jack is sitting at the kitchen table of his hotel apartment. He looks up when he hears me enter.

He's as striking and handsome as always, an air around him that commands attention; his confidence is effortless.

But there's a cold anger simmering off him. Is it too late to flee?

He pushes away the glass of scotch he was drinking. He doesn't offer me one.

"You wanted to talk Ashley, so talk."

He's not going to make this easy for me, nor should he.

I don't deserve it.

I had blown him up with 49 voice messages begging him to call me back so that we could talk.

I move closer and hover near the kitchen bench, not wanting to sit down. But not wanting to shout these words across the room. What I'm about to say should be said softly, or not at all.

"I want to break up."

No preamble, no explanation. That was not how I planned on broaching the topic. But now that those words are out there I can't take them back.

Jack chuckles. There's a shadow of darkness in the sound. "Do you remember the one thing I asked at the start of our relationship?"

I shake my head.

"Don't choose my brother over me." His words are flat, dark, pulsing with anger.

It twinges a vague memory.

I step closer to him. "This isn't about Michael."

Jack pushes out of his chair and strides across the room. Further away from me as if he can't stand my presence.

"You expect me to believe that? I was there, I saw you two together. You looked at him with hearts in your eyes - just like when we were kids."

"You knew I liked him as a kid?"

Jack snorts. "Everyone knew. You couldn't have hid your puppy love for him if you tried. And when Michael told me he was interested in you, I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd lose my best friend too."

"Michael was interested in me?"

I mean yeah, he had been my first kiss, but I didn't think that had meant anything to him. We hadn't mentioned that moment in any of the years preceding, almost as if it wasn't memorable enough for him.

"Even now you only care about him." Jack sighs. In that out breath is Jack's bottled sadness slipping out of him.

"I care about you too." I inch closer toward him, then I realise what I'm doing and I force myself to stop. "This relationship just isn't working for either of us."

"It's was working for me up until a few nights ago," Jack shoots back.

"It's not working for me. I need more. I needed more while my mum was in hospital, I needed you here weeks ago but I was too scared to ask and you were too busy to come and I didn't want to be let down."

I take a deep breath. "I want kids Jack, if not my own, you know I want to adopt. I don't see that working with our relationship."

Jack nods sharply. "So I can't give you that right now, but Michael can?"

"Jack," I say his name plaintively. He's determined to hurt us both.

"Was I ever your first choice? Did you ever stop loving him?"

His words slip past my defences and reverberate in my mind.

"No, of course..." I trail off. My words sound pithy to my own ears. Luckily, anger burns through my discomfort."Even when I try and explain why we haven't been working, all you can see is Michael."

"No, I can only 'see' the image of you two in bed together." His voice is filled with disgust. "You can't even deny your feelings for him."

I can't help glaring at him, astride his high horse. "What was this relationship to you other than having something that Michael didn't? Can you deny that?"

Jack doesn't say anything and we both realise the truth in my words.

When I can't stand the silence any longer I speak softly. "We've been drifting apart for a while. At this point, I think we're only together out of habit. I was trying to find a way to do this without hurting you, but by putting it off, I've only hurt you more. And I'm sorry."

"So we're done then?" Jack is facing me fully now, his arms crossed against his broad chest. His body is tense, a frozen statue, as if one movement toward me would shatter him.

I nod. "I guess so."

"I suppose you should leave now."

For the first time, he sounds uncertain as if he doesn't really want me to leave. That edge of vulnerability makes me want to take back this whole conversation, erase it from our memories, so that we'd be okay.

"I hope after all this...we can still be friends?"

I am trying to proffer an olive branch, but as the words leave my mouth I realise it's too soon; whatever tentative gentleness that was lingering in the room suddenly swept away.

Jack's brow lowers and revulsion curls his lips, making him rear back. His words are caustic, intending to puncture me right where I'm soft. "That's a bit much to ask, even from you. You can't have us both."

I stand there, numb and winded. Rendered unable to move my limbs.

"You know the way out," Jack nods to the door.

I vaguely make my way to the door, leaving Jack's foreboding presence behind me, and I realise that this is all the closure I'll get.

It's probably more than I deserve.

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a/n: Thanks for reading! I'd be so grateful for any feedback you have so feel free to vote and comment your thoughts. ♡