Marry me (book 3)

Chapter 4 - the full story

I push him a little so we aren't as close and we went back to sitting next to each other.

I walk to the door and I lock it, I go to my phone and I play my playlist, the volume a little lower than before. I lay down on the bed, looking at the ceiling,

"It all started when I was 6" I say. Shawn lays next to me, head to head, our heads almost touching.

Both looking at the ceiling.

I look at him as I turn my head to the right, and he looks at me, he smiles. I smile too.

I look back at the ceiling listing to the music, taking a deep breath.

"I don't know if you know... but I'm not in a good relationship with my parents" I say.

I take another breath. I can't believe I'm going to tell him all this, I never told this to anyone.

"When I was 6 my mom got pregnant, she wanted another kid, she did. I mean, I think she did. But she had a miscarriage, and that ruined my mom, she tried to look happy, to act like it was all ok, but... it wasn't." I close my eyes letting the music play in my head before I go on.

"My dad was really sad too, he stopped talking to me and to Lucas for a very long time, he moved out of the house for a bit, he stopped talking to my mom too, leaving us all alone.."

"my mom and dad got back together a bout a year after that, my mom was happy again, didn't look so devastated, and after you went on tour with Taylor, About 7 years later, i was 14, my dad got really sick, no one knew about it. those who did didn't talk about it, and it was hard for me, you were gone, I stopped talking to Aaliyah.. and me and Brittney were ok, but I still felt, that I was alone."

"The relationship with my dad was weird, my mom was with my dad in the hospital, most of her day and I just, I don't know. I had to be strong, I didn't see him very often, and I couldn't talk about it with anyone, my parents didn't want anyone to know. And it was hard to deal with all that."

"Lucas went to work, help with the money, and seriously I was all alone."

"One day at dinner, It was 2 years ago, a little before I was 18, still in high school, I had a really big fight with my mom, and she said some stuff that, made me, and not to be dramatic but to run away, and never come back"

"That was a few weeks before me and Lucas moved in together. When I felt like I can't deal with all that." I say.

"What did she say?" Shawn asks still with looking at me from the side,

I take another breath, trying to relax. "I was a mistake."

"I mean.. my mom got pregnant by mistake, she didn't want me. And my father was happy about it, about having another kid, so he forced my mom to have me. And at dinner when we had our big fight, she told me she regrets having me, that I was a brat, and that If I was a miscarriage too, nothing would've happened, she said that I shouldn't have been here, she said that dad is already dying, and that she wishes she never had me.." I say. "That it would be mush easier." I add.

"Are you serious?" Shawn asks in complete shock.

"Yeah" I say with tears rolling down from my eyes to the bed,  "as I said, a few weeks after that I moved out with Lucas, me and Lucas used to talk about stuff, but after we moved in together it got to a point where me and Lucas talked only about work, and stuff... and it wasn't that fun" I say. " there was a long period of time I was all by myself"

"I think 2 months before you came back out no where, my mom called to apologize, and she said that dad is ok now, he is not sick anymore, and that she is sorry for the way she acted, so I forgave her, I don't know why I did that, because when I think about it now, I shouldn't have."

"So now my relationship with my parents is ok, sort of, my dad is barley talking to us, and my mom is ok.. I guess, I haven't seen her in a while, I think the last time I saw her was at my birthday, and also then, we barley even talked."

"and I don't want to force you to have this kid, like my dad did to my mom. And I don't want to get rid of this kid like it means nothing.." I say turning my head to the side of the bed, looking at Shawn, still staring at me.

"But I can't go through this kind of shit again, so if you really don't want to keep this baby, I won't force you to be a dad. I want both of us to be ready for this, I don't want us to fight anymore, I don't want us to fear next to each other, and if you don't feel ready, than no, we won't have this baby." I say.

"I don't want this child to go through half of what I've been through." I say. "And if I'm honest, I'm terrified by having a kid, but I'm already pregnant and I don't want to do next"

Shawn is looking at me, getting closer to me, putting his hands around my body holding me close to him,

"I can't believe you kept this away from me for so long, I'm sorry you had to go through all that by yourself, but now I'm here, and you are not alone anymore" he hugs me tight.

"I'm not going to lie to you, I don't want to have a kid right now, I do want to have kids in the future, but not right now, and that doesn't mean, that I don't love you anymore, or that I'm going to run away, I'm still here, and we are in this together" he says.

"I'm sorry that your mother talked to you the way she did, I hope you know, that without you I would've been lost, and that you make me happy and a better person, and all this time on tour, I couldn't stop thinking about you, how amazing you are, how much I miss you, how much I love you" He says.

He kisses me, trying to make me feel better, and it kind of works..

"We are in this fucked up situation, when we need to be grown ups and choose what path are we taking. And I think, that we are a little young, and we should wait a bit." He says. "You know what, I'm just going to be honest with you, and say, that I'm scared, I am terrified, I don't want to be a father this early in my life. And I didn't know your family went through all that shit, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't feel ready, I feel scared of the thought of me with a kid in less then a year." He says.

"I understand, I will go to the doctors office tomorrow morning, we are not ready for this, you are right, we should wait a bit before we start our future.." I say realizing Shawn is actually right.

"we have all of our life in front of us, we should go to Australia for a year, or New York, and have fun.. if we will have a kid with us, we will never be able to do that, we will never actually be able to live our life to the fullest. We should live our life without caring about anything, just us, having fun, making memories.. enjoying our young lives." I say finally realizing, that I am not ready to be a mother, I can't, not right now, we barley started our lives, 2 years ago I was still in high school...

Shawn and I barley even spent time together, we started dating a few months ago, and I saw him only like what? 3 weeks out of all that time?

so what if I will have an abortion? That doesn't mean anything, right? Shawn still loves me, we will still be together, and in the future, maybe one day we will have kids.

But not right now.