Marry me (book 3)

Chapter 3 - Honestly

"I- I don't know" he says.

"Shawn please, look I know this is hard for you, and I know you are confused, but I am confused too." I say.

"I know.. but I just-" — "Are you coming?" Aaliyah opens the door interrupting Shawn, making both us look at her.

"I think maybe I should go home" I say and I start walking towards my car. "No come on B" Shawn walks after me.

He holds my hand making me turn around to look at him and he kisses me deeply.

"Don't go." He says taking a deep breath. "Let's go back inside and talk about it later ok?"

"No, Shawn I can't do this. I need to know. Right now. What do you want?" I can't take it anymore, if he doesn't want me to keep this baby, he should tell me that. "Be a man and tell me what you want"

"I don't want you to keep it" he says looking me in the eyes.

"But that doesn't mean anything" he adds

"How can that not mean anything? You don't want to keep it" I say. Oh my god.

"I know this is much harder to you than it is to me, but as I said, if you want to keep it. I'll be there for you. And we will get through this, together." He says.

After a few seconds of silence, "I'm kind of tired, I think I should go home" I say, and shake my body away from him, walking into the car.

I drive home.

All the way back, I can't help but think about my future with Shawn, what am I going to do now? Am I going to keep this baby?

What will happen to my relationship with Shawn if I do? What will happen if I don't?

Why? Why is this happening to me? I don't want to be like my parents. I can't be like my parents.

I got home and I walked straight to my room, I suppose Lucas was in his room or something, because when I walked in I didn't see him.

I go straight to my bed, I start my playlist and I just look at the ceiling, listening to music, trying to let the time fly by, and maybe go back to the time before I was pregnant.

Wow, I'm pregnant, me, I am pregnant. That's so weird to say, I never thought I would say this this early in my life.

I am pregnant. Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm actually pregnant.

It's been a few hours, it's 10 pm. And I heard the front door opening, I didn't care about it. I just wanted to listen to the music and look at the ceiling until I die.

I heard a knock on my door, I didn't even move, I didn't want to. "Can we talk?" I heard Shawn's voice behind the door, i barley even heard him, the music is a bit loud.. I sit down on the bed and I take a deep breath.

Do I want to open the door for him? Or do I want to just lay back down and ignore him?

"Come B, we need to talk" I hear his voice again, I stand up, I stop the music, and I open the door to him.

I don't look at him, I immediately turn around and I go back and sit on the bed.

Shawn walks in and he closes the door after him. At first he stands next to the door, thinking what to say, but after a few seconds he decided to sit on the bed next to me.

"I thought about coming here earlier, but I guess I was just too scared, I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't want to make you feel bad. It took my a few hours to understand that I need to be honest with you, and that I should come here and talk to you." He says.

"Ok.. what is that supposed to mean?" I ask.

"I'm terrified" he says looking at me. "I'm scared, I don't want to lie to you, I don't want a kid right now, I think we are too young, and I think that we just started our life a few years ago. And I'm just not ready. I'm not ready to be a dad, not now."

"I'm not done with my career, I want to keep travel and to keep writing and singing, I don't want to go on tour and to feel bad I left you with a kid, all by yourself" he says.

"That: A kid, you, said isn't just a kid, it's our kid, our child, and that isn't something that is supposed to ruin your life, you can go on tour, you can still travel, you can keep writing songs, your life isn't going to turn upside down. It's just going to change a bit.." I say.

"Tell me honestly, do you think you are ready to be a mom?" He asks.

I look at him, and I try to think about it for real. Am I ready to be a mom?

"If I'm honest, no. I don't think I'm ready" I say.

"But, I don't think it matters what I think, because if I really wasn't ready, I don't think I would've gotten pregnant, I think that god only gives you things he knows you can handle, and I think I can handle this." I say. "If God would've thought I wasn't ready, than we probably didn't have this conversation right now" I say.

"B, think about it for a sec, you are 19, not even 20 years old. Are you sure you want this? I mean, we are still young we can do whatever we want, we can travel we can go for a year to live in Thailand if we wanted, with a kid we can't do that, we will need to compromise about every little thing.."

"You will put him, before me, or you, he will take all your energy away, and I know that one day I do want to have kids, I know that I want to be a dad, but I just don't think I am truly ready for this. Not right now" he says.

"I don't know what I'm going to do" I say.

"If I will decide I want to keep the baby, will you still-"

"Will I still What? Love you? Support you? Be there for you? Yes." He says without a doubt.

"I'm scared" I say truthfully. "What are you scared of? I will never leave you, I will never ever do something to hurt you, you have nothing to be scared of" he says.

"I need to tell you something" as I say that, I see his eyes getting wider by the second,

He looks scared, "What is it?" He asks.

I take a deep breath and I'm about to tell him, when I decide I can't.

"Nothing" I say. "B, what happened? Are you ok? Did someone hurt you?" He asks.

"What? No no. No one hurt me."

"Than What happened? What did you want to say?" He asks.

I'm too scared to tell him, I bite my lowed lip anxiously and I try to think of an excuse, I can't tell him, he will never look at me the same.

Suddenly, my eyes are closed and Shawn's lips are on mine, it all happened a little too quickly and I couldn't really understand what was happening.

"You know you can trust me, right?" He asks, our heads so close, his breath on my face, his eyes staring into mine, his lips almost kissing mine.

"I know"