Love J

Absolute Torture

One week.

One whole entire week.

One whole entire week of absolute torture.

When I had J, I was able to see Christian in the halls or in class and smile to myself knowing that if I wanted to I could text him and like always I could get a reply in minutes.

Now I see Chris and I feel my heart break a little. I feel tears prick the back of my eyes. And I know it's my fault that I can't talk to him anymore. It was a rash decision but I stand by it. It was for my own good. If I kept talking to him I would only feel this pain much worse later on. This was the right decision.

So how come I still feel like I was wrong?

This whole week had been agonising. I realised just how much time I spent talking to Christian. I have so much free time on my hands that I've spent hours after school in the library. The librarian is a nice, silver haired old lady who smiles and says hi whenever I see her but I only ever offer a meek smile in return. I tried to talk to her before, just say hi and ask her how she was. I chickened out when a student walked up to her. I had just wanted to return her niceness. She was kind right when I needed it and it made me feel better. Just a bit.

I was back in the library again after school when I saw someone that I was trying to avoid, speaking to the librarian and her pointing to my corner, where I always stayed.

Christian.

What was he doing here and why was he being pointed in the direction of the most deserted section of the library?

I stayed hidden behind a book shelf until he had gone before stepping out again only to see the librarian calling me over.

"Hi dear. There was a boy in here a minute ago. I think he was looking for you. The girl he was talking about matched your description anyway. Do you know him? I would have told him your name but I don't know it," she informed me, laughing lightly with a smile.

I opened my mouth and closed it a few times before I shut it to give myself time to collect my thoughts. Christians looking for J. He's not finished until he uncovers her. Why can't he just leave it alone and stop playing the game?! I couldn't handle this. Still, I mustered up all the courage I had and spoke in a shaky voice but I didn't stutter.

"What did he ask you?"

"So you do speak," she joked with an adorable grin. "He asked if I'd seen a girl of exactly your description in here before. I said you came here every day. That you stay in that same corner. He was about to go look for you when I told him you hadn't shown up today and he should probably come tomorrow if he wanted to see you."

"Thank you so much," I told her with a genuine smile.

"No problem dear."

After that I went to my corner and enjoyed finishing the books I had been reading.

One more week

Another week had passed and I thought the pain was decreasing until I saw him enter the library. I had been cutting down my time there and coming at different hours than usual. I refused to cut it out though and after a week I thought everything was going to be fine but he decided to show up.

I had been talking to the librarian, Mrs. Keane, every day. Not much but small talk. And I hadn't stuttered once. I was proud if myself. I was making progress. I still hadn't given her my name though, just in case.

He started towards my corner and I got up from the floor, scrambling behind a bookshelf a few rows over and knocking into a girl in the process.

"I'm sorry," I blurted softly without thinking. She looked at me confused my for a moment before smiling.