1994.

04. LOST HOPE

LOST
HOPE

TAEHYUNG HAD LEFT some time ago; he was almost reluctant in leaving, knowing the information on jeongguk had unsettled her some bit. but, she softly asked him to leave (or more so a demand), and he bid her wishes with a smile and a goodbye.

she didn't like being alone, not anymore, but knew she was only going to be destructive if he stayed.

with another glass of wine in hand, she cried quietly into the long sleeve of her t–shirt. the radio was on, a slow song of blues, but she couldn't even hear the tune for the thoughts inside her head were so loud. her tears were her plead for the thoughts to stop just for a second, a moment to simply gather her last remaining hope and reconcile with herself.

but they wouldn't. the worry of jeongguk dying out there, of any of her friends dying in fact, or even for them to get in trouble, guilted her. deep down inside she probably realised she never forced them or asked for them to even think of 'revenge', but if she wasn't so stupid and love–driven to run in front of the bullet in the first place, none of this would've happened.

who would've been shot? would someone actually have died? it was all questions of things that never happened yet it still tortured her.

raesun sighed, breathing deeply as the tears trickled down worn cheeks. was this all that life was anymore? crying until the wine had ran dry, to go to sleep then cry some more?

"so fucking dumb," she mumbled, wiping at her eyes, "so fucking stupid."

she had lost hope in herself a long time ago; did she have hope in jeongguk for him to come back? did she really want to be back in his arms, or should she move on, away from their toxic relationship?

it was all back and forth with him — one minute she thought she knew him inside and out, next she realised she didn't know him at all. the day of the race was the day she found out the real past he'd been hiding, but only the one including hana.

how many girls has he hurt? how many people had he injured just to get his anger out? how many times had he put his neck on the line for no plausible reason?

"i miss you but i don't half hate you."

— 雨 —