1994.

09. LONELY FADE

LONELY
FADE

                    THE SUNSET WAS quite pretty that night. she sighed as she took her sight away from the fiery rose hues, adjusting herself in the car seat and dismissing the jazz playing on the radio. taehyung's fingers tapped to the beat, perfectly on time, and the drumming thumped in her mind.

"i used to love hana," he spoke, eyes trained on nothing but the road, "not in that way. she was like a sister to me."

raesun nodded — she couldn't help but think of namjoon, and what a nightmare he must be living in. so much for a sibling reunion, "did she turn against you too? like she did with everyone else?"

"at first she was fine. she tried getting me into skipping classes, smoking behind the science block, y'know all that stuff," he gestured with his hand, waving it off, "i wasn't interested in anything like that. i've tried to keep away from it despite my upbringing."

she frowned at that, "what upbringing? i thought you were like me... you know... all prim and proper."

"not really," taehyung shrugged, "my mother died giving birth to me, so i never met her. my father was far too busy with work to ever bother with me, so i found myself getting involved in the wrong crowd at a young age. took me a few years to open my eyes, and when i did, i promised myself not to go back down that route."

"is that why you hate jeongguk so much?"

taehyung faltered, "i... i wouldn't say i hate him—"

she scoffed, "judging by the way you go on about how he's the devil incarnated, i'd beg to differ."

"i just don't like how he doesn't think before he acts," when she looked at him, she saw how glossy his eyes had turned — something hurt him talking about jeongguk, "hana was... the sweetest person you could ever meet. then she got all involved with him, seeing his world, and he brushed it off like it was nothing. he ruined her," he took his eyes off the road to glance at her up and down, "and by the looks of it, he had started to ruin you too."

raesun broke their gaze, staring out the window. fields of dried grass and wildflowers were beside either side of the road, dark due to the last slither of sun disappearing in the horizon. her eyes couldn't leave the flower's petals as they flashed by, refusing to even think of jeongguk in a negative light.

taehyung just didn't understand the aspect of falling for someone so hard that you dismiss the demons they carry and the heavy past they are reminded of daily — or did he?

"you won't realise it yet," he continued, "you'll only see the good in him, until he takes it out on you, and then it'll hit you like a truck on the freeway."

she shook her head slowly, "he would never. he... he..." he didn't love her, but she liked to think he adored her too much to dare speak such venom to her like he did to many others.

"you say that, but just you wait, raesun," his warning was yet again filled with trauma, and it reminded her of the same kind of tone he spoke a year ago in the school corridor — back then was so happy, so sunny and bright; now it was far too gloomy to even fathom of a nice future, "you'll get hurt. again."

tears had collected in her once calm waters and she couldn't stop them from breaking the dam, "stop it, please. if you're going to just... talk fucking shit... then t–take me home."

taehyung sighed, "perhaps i should. but this is what you want."

"you don't understand," she sobbed, "you don't understand how lonely i was, how i was so close to my breaking point, all before he came and turned my life around."

and she was.

the times she had sat with people who were so fake, exact replicas of they money–driven parents; it was almost unbearable. she felt abandoned after her supportive brother left for 'college', and the fact her parents had started to knuckle down on her even more scared her.

she might have been dead without jeongguk, as over dramatic as it seems.

"was it worth it?" taehyung almost seemed to patronise her, scoffing whilst laughing humourlessly, "look at yourself, raesun. you practically look dead—"

"i would've been dead a long time ago if not for him—"

"you got shot!" she never heard him shout before; it was almost frightening to see his cool demeanour turn sour, "you nearly did die!"

"that wasn't his fault, it was that batshit crazy bitch who shot me! not him, you asshole!" she screamed, staring at his amidst the blur of suppressed and flowing tears, "he cut ties with her immediately after she joined the gang, when she wanted to become the worst she could be! he hated her after he found out, he ain't fucking stupid! he didn't want what happened to happen!"

"calm down, i..." taehyung had parked the car without her noticing, and she didn't care as she broke down in the passenger seat, hands gripping her hair violently and oceans roaring in her eyes, "i didn't mean to... upset you, or a–anything i... i'm sorry, rae."

yet, she ignored him, continuing to crumble in her lonely fade.

she was losing the war with herself and she couldn't help but accept the loss.

— 雨 —