1994.

33. BITTER FRUITS

BITTER
FRUITS

JEONGGUK WAS DRUNK, and it was clear in how he struggled to laugh as hard as he did and how his eyes glazed over with something along the lines of euphoria. raesun, perhaps even more intoxicated, giggled at the honey boy before her — he looked so damn happy sitting there, hair pushed back and moon dust embedded in his cheekbones.

it seemed almost abnormal to watch him do such a thing as laughing.

"oh my god, i remember that," he tilted forward, laughing so hard his eyes were squeezed shut. she had to wipe hers (and his) tears away just from remembering the time jimin fell into a bucket of soapy water yoongi had used to clean 'beatrice' — a time of her innocence, really.

"he looked so cute, all soapy and angry. he chased yoongi around the whole block and left a trail of sud behind him," raesun spoke between her chuckles, the two starting to calm down from their alcohol–driven hysterics.

oh how good it felt to be so happy during the dark times.

the two had escaped taeyong's apartment to find some peace and quiet of their own in the meadow they reunited in. a soft buzz of bumble bees and flowers swaying in the gentle bustle of breeze made her intoxication euphoric, with the boy being heaven personified accompanying her.

jeongguk stood from his seat on the meadow's floor, taking his bottle with him to the truck to get his cigarettes. she watched him with tipsy desire: he was beautiful, even though he had gained more scars and tatted edges over the months. the new tattoos and piercings, the dyed black hair and muscles upon his body, they all exaggerated how gorgeous he was.

it was disappointing their relationship wasn't quite so pretty. they were clearly toxic, aiding each other's habits and love despite the fact they'd come to a tragic end. they tried to think they were prepared for the unfortunate, but they were far from it, and it saddened her more than ever. she couldn't help but imagine him dying and it guilted her.

"rae, come here," his voice broke her from her thoughts, him resting against the hood of his truck as he sparked a cigarette.

immediately, she followed his order, swaying just a tad whilst she stumbled towards him. with a smile upon her once pure face, raesun wound her arms around his neck, relishing in one hand of his settling on her waist and his smirk almost taunting her.

"think of it: a nice house, kids, marriage, me and... you," he mumbled, pulling on his cigarette between phrases, "could you imagine it? imagine how nice it'd be?"

"i don't think we were ever meant to be like that, guk," she whispered and still smiled lazily up at him.

jeongguk's smirk widened, throwing the cigarette away carelessly (even though he barely started to smoke it), "no, i don't think so either. but thinking it could happen makes me happy even so," both hands pulled her closer, pressing her body against him.

as if that warm evening couldn't get any hotter.

"how about this then," his head lowered as he continued, lips trailing against her ear, "me, you, whiskey, bed, and a whole lot of regretting to do?"

she bit at her lip just at the mere thought, "are you seducing me?"

"sure am sweetheart," that nickname — the same nickname tattooed on his neck, the one engraved in her heart. the word made starbursts erupt behind her fluttering eyelids, "shame we aren't close to the bedroom, huh?"

she chuckled, leaning her head against his shoulder, breathing in his scent of alcohol and cologne; she missed the smell of acrylic paint on him. often she had wondered when it was he painted last.

of course, the candied attitude of his had started to melt: "also a shame we'll probably die soon," raesun hadn't noticed the once sensual position they were in had turned into a loving embrace, his arms around her to hold her dear.

his sadness had started to seep through the cracks again, and she frowned, "what makes you think that?"

he shrugged, "we're in deep trouble. trouble i put myself into, but never wanted to drag you into."

"i'm fine, you know," her mumble vibrated against him, "i'm okay. you're okay. everything will turn out alright," who she was trying to convince, she didn't know, because neither of them bought it.

when he pulled away from her, her frown deepened further, "i used to not care for death, you know? i didn't have the guts to do it myself, so if someone else did it for me what matter did it make? i didn't, and still don't, make any contribution to the world so why did it matter if i died?"

a finger of his caressed her cheek, his eyes scanning her molten eyes and the freckles dusted across the bridge of her nose, "then i discovered love. it was a beautiful feeling, rae, it was fucking beautiful and you made me realise that there's so much more to do. i had something to live for and someone to love,"

but, he frowned, the finger leaving her face, "now the fruits are bitter, no longer sweet. i adored you, loved you, hated you just for leaving me... selfish i know... but i found no reason to see the good in things anymore and for some reason the demons in my head blamed you at times," his fingers formed the shape of a gun, his fingertips faintly touching her forehead, "this is what life is. no daffodils and rainbows, just bloodshed and sadness beyond compare,"

"one day we'll both get too deep and then boom," he motioned his fingers as if the gun went off, a dangerous spark to his eyes that almost scared her, "we're both gone. for real this time."

he spoke such wonders and horrors.

was this all for nothing if, in the end, they were going to have an ending far too soon?

— 雨 —