Idol | BTS ( discontinued )

30.5

( this chapter falls between chapter 30 and 31. I want to give some basis for the further chapters hence this was included now; basically it's after Taehyung proposes to Nallika )

( angst warning ) 

I miss you

When I say that, I miss you more

BTS : Spring Day

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It felt so real up until the dream broke as a crying Nallika accepted his proposal and everyone cheered and hooted, throwing about their scarves and silk napkins into the air.

Gigi standing right next to the new couple, felt the cracks combine to form an almighty break across her frozen heart as she saw them kiss so passionately that the trees around them could have caught fire.

Kim Taehyung was engaged and he was in love and he was happy.

I should be happy for him... but I can't, not now. Oh my heart. Oh my dear heart.

Everyone surged forward to hug and congratulate the new couple. Everyone except Gigi as she stood frozen. No one glanced at her once. Forgotten. Left alone.

No one cares. It's not your day anyway get a grip on yourself.

Numb. Numbing pain was all she felt.

Alone. So alone.

She turned away and quietly walked from the happy couple and into the dark arms of her demons filled with self-hate and condescending pain. She was breaking all over again.

Broken. I am broken. I was never the one. I never had chance. This is why I never wanted to fall in love, I never wanted to hope. But I did... and now see what that brought me.

She ran away from the gardens and the mansion, she ran away leaving behind her first love. She ran away from having hoped for a miracle.

Be happy Tae. I'm sorry that my heart chose you. I am sorry that I love you.

-

I hate him. 

Gigi was furiously clicking on her phone. Her frustrations were all in maximum force, projected on the poor touch screen. But no matter how many times she called, she only went into voice mail. She needed her best friend right now. But Amy didn't pick up her phone, probably getting the break she deserved. 

But Gigi needed someone now, anyone, to cry too. This hurt too much. It was too much to be borne alone. She wished the night would swallow and she would become a star in the sky, far, far from this pain. 

She should have controlled herself better but the look of pure love and kindness in Taehyung's eyes as he kneeled down was burnt into her memory and that's all she could see now, whether her eyes were open or closed. The air was cold and the night was young but the pain was old and the despair was familiar. 

I never stood a chance. I knew that. But then why does it hurt? 

Why does falling in love hurt so much?

Why make us capable of loving if in the end we are only going to end up crying? And end up alone?

Bleak shadows shone across the high grass walls of the maze she had run into. She sat on one of the stone benches, trying to numb herself. There was no sound from the party here, she was well into the maze, maybe even at its centre. From here, she couldn't see his house or him... or his new fiancé.. or the people happy for them.

She didn't want to see them. She couldn't be happy for them. She knew she had a place which was to be by his side right now cause she was gonna be a future partner. She had to be more professional. But  the idea suddenly seemed less interesting. Maybe she shouldn't accept the project with him. Her mom would force her and annoy her in which case, she would just sign over the company to her mom. 

It didn't feel worth anymore. Everything she had built within herself was crumbling. 

But even in this torture, she was aware of someone sitting beside her, their bodies each facing opposite directions, palms beside each other. She looked at their hand. She would know those fingers anywhere. It was once always decorated with rings but now it rested empty of any. 

Yoongi sat beside her, quiet as the shadows, strong as the mountains. "You loved him." he stated. There was no inflection of hate or sadness in his voice. It was just an observation. 

Gigi flinched but didn't reply anything. Of course, he knows. He always reads people. The quiet one who stands amongst all. The one who understands everyone best, especially the broken ones. 

She had to let someone know. She had to let these feelings out now or she would hurt herself over it, killing herself slowly with agony. It wound her deeper and fester without mercy. 

" I still do" she whispered, feeling her heart thud and throb in strange rhythms. 

Stupid, silly heart. Always falling for the wrong man. 

The effort from holding back was too much to hide. With shivering hands she clutched her neck tightly, trying to stop the tears. Her chest hurt and she couldn't breathe. Broken sobs heaved through her closed lips. It was the simplest pain; unrequited love. But it was the most painful.  

Yoongi reached back and placed his arm across her collar bones, holding on to her shoulders and gripping it. She let go of her neck and gripped his arm instead, bending her head forward and burying it in the crease of his elbow. A silent comfort that her best friend couldn't give at that moment was found in the arms of an old stranger. 

"Cry it out" he spoke with a roughness that sounded like thorns scrapping her skin. She didn't want to cry at all. But the oceans in her were far from being calm. They tossed and tore at her bruises. 

With every shattered breath she took in, Yoongi's grip on her tightened. 

Just a little away, on the same grounds stood the happiest people in the world. Engaged and in love. But like any coin, every situation had a flipped side. 

"I'm sorry" she choked out. She didn't know why she apologising or to who. Was she apologising for having loved Taehyung or because Yoongi had to deal with her now or because she had come her or because she felt not worthy to be Taehyung's love. 

"You never walk alone" Yoongi spoke in his low baritone. He hadn't looked at her at all, allowing her to cry in as much dignity as she could save. But Gigi could only cry harder. It wasn't the tears of a wound that came from scrapping the knees or loosing a job. It was the tears of a cracked heart, a lost future, and agony like that of death. It was the tears of letting go. The tears of years of pouring love without receiving any. 

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A/N : I miss BTS. 

Smile a little for me

K