Unremitting Paradox

Chapter 4, All For Her

𝙹𝚞𝚗𝚎 𝟷𝟼, 𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟾

I knew Kyra was hurting, everyone knew. I wanted her to feel better but how can you feel better when your dad dies on your birthday and your mom commits suicide.

I walked down the hallways of our old high school. Rosman High. I hated my experience here, but that could have been due to the excessive bullying that Kyra and I faced. It could also be the fact that her family was basically my family, so their deaths hit me pretty hard as well. I'm better at hiding my pain than Kyra though. I mean, don't get me wrong Kyra thinks she hides it, but she doesn't. 

Some students were still lingering around the halls, attending summer school. I was only there to gather my transcripts and medicine that I left in the nurse's office. You can immediately tell who is here for summer school and who isn't, the gum-smacking and thick cloud of cigarette smoke was a pretty clear sign.

I was excited to leave high school but not excited to go to College. Moving to Mississippi meant I would be leaving Kyra, I was going to be another person to leave her. We were about three and a half hours away which meant I could visit her, but it would have to be a weekend trip. 

As I was thinking about her, I realized we hadn't hung out in a while. I texted her to see if she wanted to hang out and luckily she did, I really just wanted to distract her from her mom.

***

As I walked up to the door I realized I hadn't been to her house in years, since before her dad died... I rang the doorbell and hear Kyra run down the steps inside, once she opens the door I notice something. I notice how dead she looks. I didn't say it but she looked like a spitting image of death, she had dried tears stuck to her face from the night before, an old baggy t-shirt, and her hair was in a ponytail that was falling apart and greasy. 

"Kyra, you look disgusting," I say. I meant for it to only be in my thoughts but it was too late now.

"Well hello to you too Jace," she says with a chill tone, she took it as a joke, phew.

I started laughing at her and tell her to take a shower while I start cleaning, she complies and I immediately get to work. By the time she came out, I had the entire first floor cleaned up and I was halfway done with the second floor. Kyra came out in an oversized sweatshirt- which I later realized was mine -and her hair in a bun. I promised myself I would tell her how I've felt about her all these years today, but how could I put that on her right after her mom killed herself? 

I never told her how I felt.

I helped her finish packing her house, sorting through things, eating pizza, and making her forget. She tried to lie to me and tell me she was okay, but she wasn't okay. I can't even imagine all the pain she is going through.

I needed to make sure she stayed okay, she can't do what she did the first time, I won't be there to pull her out of it.

"Promise me you won't lose sight of who you are once you start college," I said, "I don't want all this work to be for nothing."

She looked at me like a hurt puppy, I hated when she looked like this. I had offended her. "What do you mean?" she said back defensively.

"I just mean..." I started. I didn't know how to say what I wanted without her getting upset, I felt confusion coming over myself. I was trying to puzzle together what to say. Kyra gave me a confused yet intrigued look and I figured out what to say. "I just mean that when your dad first died you almost fell off the wagon, I don't want you to lose everything you have worked for because of how sucky things have been for you for the past few years."

She looked at me with a blank expression and just said "Oh." She knew I was talking about last summer, a sudden realization dawned on her, I could tell just by the expression changing on her face.

"I'm sorry Kyra, I didn't mean to strike a nerve or anything."  I felt like what I said was inappropriate, maybe too soon. I felt my face flush white due to my oncoming embarrassment, I looked down and my glasses fell. I hated when that happened, I looked like such a dork, I WAS a huge dork but that didn't mean I wanted to look like one too.

"Jace, I'm okay. I promise I won't drop off the deep end again." She says with a smile. 

Liar, I thought to myself. We've been friends our entire life and she still thinks she can hide how she feels. I don't tell her that I know she is lying but she is awful at acting like things are okay, I can see it all in her eyes, she just wants to be the girl she was three years ago. She used to be this little ball of light, nothing ever made her upset, not even when the other girls on her cheer team would pick on her for her adorable smile or when the jock that she rejected would get people to make fun of her. That girl was gone and replaced with a warrior, but not the kind of warrior you see in movies. Kyra was the kind of warrior that drowns herself in everyone else's pain and her own so that no one else has to feel it.

I guess I could let her think she was getting away with it this time if that was what she was trying to do. "I'm so glad you're okay. I'm always just one text or call away. I should get back home so I can finish getting my stuff ready as well." I say. I don't want to leave her alone but I knew it would be rude to stay, besides it was already almost 5 in the morning.

She says "Okay" and with that, I get up to get my jacket. I can see her mind going, she was thinking about something but I didn't know what. 

"Do you wanna get lunch sometime this week?"

"Yes."

I hug her and leave. I just left. What is wrong with me?

As soon as she closes the door, I sink. I loved her so much and she didn't even know it. Kyra was the only person I've ever cried over, I would kill to take away her pain. I momentarily compose myself and walk to my car. My composure doesn't last long though. As soon as I get in my car I swear and punch my steering wheel, it just wasn't time for us. With my new sensation of burning pain and the throbbing I felt in my knuckles, I started my engine and pulled out of her driveway.

I drove home and packed my room up. I couldn't sleep, I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that Kyra was still awake, most likely sitting in her room, crying. Alone.

I looked at my clock, It was nearly noon. That was the last thing I remember before my vision went black and my face hit the floor.