A Marauder's Guide to Falling Apart

Chapter Thirteen

"You're pregnant?" Marlene blinked uncertainly at Lily as she stood in the Potter's kitchen. Lily was sipping at a mug of hot tea and smiling at her friend as she revealed her news.

It was November; the first traces of winter had appeared that morning in the form of frosted icicles adorning the bare branches of the trees surrounding the village. The leaves still littered the ground and a light fog encompassed the streets, making it difficult to see much else. She had been admiring the beauty of nature out the kitchen window but suddenly snapped her attention to Lily as the words slowly registered.

Since Lily and James had been married Marlene hadn't had much time to see them. Much like Sirius they had engrossed themselves in business with the Order while Marlene had become absorbed in her studies at the Hospital. She hadn't minded too much; Sirius had warned her that he would be busy and since their revealing conversation about his uncertainties of marriage nearly a month prior, Marlene was content to keep herself distracted with other matters.

But Lily had invited her over rather early in the morning, claiming that she had something exciting to share with her. She hadn't quite been expecting this news, however.

"Yes," Lily's eyes twinkled. "It happened much sooner than we expected," she continued hurriedly. "I haven't even told James yet."

Marlene gave her an eager smile and quickly moved across the room to embrace her. Lily's eyes were already misting with tears and Marlene found it difficult not to feel her own eyes become wet with reciprocated enthusiasm. She hadn't known that Lily was so eager to start a family of her own but it was clear that she was ecstatic about it.

"I'm so happy for you Lil," she said fondly after she had pulled away. Lily wiped at the tears from her eyes and brushed a strand of fallen hair out of her eyes.

"What's wrong, Marlene?" her smile faltered momentarily. Marlene hadn't been aware that anything about her reaction had indicated her misery but apparently Lily had picked up on something.

"Nothing," she said quickly before pulling out a chair to the table and sinking down in it to join Lily for tea. She tried to ignore the doubtful look that Lily was passing over her as she poured herself a cup and dumped in more sugar than she normally would have.

"I know we haven't seen each other much lately," Lily continued. "But I'm not oblivious to the fact that you've been very withdrawn lately. Is it something I've said?"

Marlene sighed heavily. "No, Lily. It's nothing to do with you."

"Sirius, then?"

Marlene looked up at Lily. She was chewing on her lip, looking at Marlene with genuine care and concern. She knew that Lily was her best friend and that she could speak openly with her about anything but somehow beginning this conversation seemed much too difficult.

But even Marlene had to recognize that she had been suppressing her misery for far too long and it was becoming painstakingly obvious to those that cared about her. She sighed again and sank her back into the chair.

"Yes."

"Are you going to elaborate?" Lily pressed her and then took another sip of her tea, patiently waiting.

"It's just that everyone is getting married and starting families," Marlene said absently. Her eyes had trailed towards the window again. There was a small brown bird chirping contentedly on the branch directly outside and she watched it with aimless amusement.

"We're still young Marlene," Lily encouraged. "It'll happen for you too."

"Do you think Sirius will ever change his mind about wanting to get married?" she continued on as though Lily hadn't spoken. It was quiet for a moment; it appeared as though Lily was deep in thought.

"He doesn't want to?" she finally asked.

Marlene finally turned her attention back to Lily. She couldn't help the new wave of tears that had begun collecting in her eyes and this time not from happiness or joy. A few single tears escaped and she could feel the wetness roll down her cheek before tasting the salty aftermath as it collected against her lips.

"Oh Marlene," Lily said sadly. She reached her hand across the table to clasp her hand. "Sirius is still very young. He likely doesn't know what he wants right now. That doesn't mean it won't ever happen."

"Am I wasting my time?" Marlene continued. "If he loved me enough shouldn't he want to spend his life with me? I feel like I'm running into a brick wall here –"

"Sometimes you can't rush these things," Lily was eyeing her sadly. She gave her hand an affectionate squeeze before pulling away. "Sirius loves you; I don't think that's going to change anytime soon."

And then Marlene couldn't contain herself any longer. All the fear and neglect she had been feeling over the past couple of months poured out of her. She was even surprised to hear herself speak so openly about things she hadn't been consciously aware were bothering her.

It had all started when Mr. Potter had died and they had experienced the first hitch in their connection with one another. She had felt him push away from her and even though she reminded herself countless times that she were equally guilty for doing the same after her own parents death, it didn't make dealing with it any easier.

Watching everyone else's relationships flourish around her into marriage and new families had only made her realize how badly she too wanted to share in it. Knowing that Sirius could be killed at any moment only enlarged the painful gap that had been consuming her heart. She didn't want to waste another moment figuring out what she wanted in life; she had already figured that out long ago.

It was Sirius.

But they hadn't spent much time together on account of their busy schedules and when they did see one another it felt strained and unnatural. She didn't want to admit it out loud but as she poured her heart out to Lily she couldn't help but voice her fears that she and Sirius were growing apart.

"I had no idea," Lily said quietly when Marlene had finished. "I had no idea it was this bad."

Marlene only shrugged. It wasn't something she had wanted to talk about and a large part of her had hoped it was her imagination.

"I do think you're looking into a bit too much though," Lily continued with optimism. "I know that's probably not what you want to hear but I believe that the two of you are still processing the events that have happened to you in the past year or so. It's natural for these things to take time and Sirius is just dealing with it in a different way. That doesn't mean that you're growing apart. I have faith that you'll find each other again."

Marlene wiped at her eyes as she heard heavy footsteps approach the kitchen. She hadn't been aware that James had entered in through the front entrance but Lily looked up at him as he entered into the kitchen and smiled.

"Oh Marlene," he said with surprise. "I didn't know you were coming over today."

"I was just leaving," she said hurriedly. She wasn't overly fond of sticking around too much longer especially since she figured that Lily was eager to share her news with the soon to be father. She wiped at her eyes again before pulling herself up from the chair to leave.

"You don't have to go just yet," Lily said with an apprehensive look on her face. Marlene offered her a slight smile as if to encourage her friend that she was fine. Even though she had stirred up unwanted emotions, Marlene wasn't interested in continuing to dwell on them and especially not after James had made his presence known.

"Thanks for the chat, Lily," she said instead. "I'll talk to you soon. Bye James."

And then with a quick turn of her heel the Potter's kitchen swirled into a smear of colors, Lily's concerned features disappearing in the process and transporting her away from Godric's Hollow to a place where she wouldn't need to think about anything else.