A Marauder's Guide to Falling Apart

Chapter Thirty

Five days after the incident Marlene had enough of feeling sorry for herself and she made her way over to Sirius's apartment. It was evident that he wasn't going to come and visit her and things needed to be said between them.

A sense of foreboding hung over her like a storm cloud, and she knew that it wasn't going to be a pleasant visit. On more than one occasion did she hesitate and second guess whether or not she was making a smart choice by initiating a confrontation.

But she had feelings too, and it wasn't just Sirius that had lost someone in all of this. She felt devastated in her own way; one that nobody else could begin to understand. The feeling of responsibility and guilt was overbearing and had consumed her too long. She couldn't allow it to completely control her, and one way or another she needed to deal with it.

Remus and Emmeline had been tremendous support. They didn't say or do much, but their presence and consideration for her well-being made her feel the love that she had convinced herself no longer existed.

She could only hope that it still existed where it mattered most.

Sirius looked like a mess when he answered the door. Not only that, he didn't seem overly surprised to see her. She observed the length of his hair from lack of being cut, and the growth of his facial hair that indicated he hadn't shaved in a while. The last time she had seen him like this was over Christmas when he had disappeared. The difference this time was that no life existed in his eyes; they were dull and void of any emotion.

She couldn't quite tell what he was thinking or feeling. For the first time in a long time did he compare to that of a complete stranger. She didn't know the person that was standing in front of her, and that scared her more than facing off death eaters ever had.

"Hi," she tried to sound confident but the waver in her voice likely gave away her nerves. Sirius did not smile. He stepped aside to let her in and closed the door once she had moved far enough into the apartment.

The click of it closing echoed through the sullen loft and the room suddenly felt like a cage in which she was hopelessly trapped. Whatever was about to transpire between them would undoubtedly haunt her equally to the darkness that filled the loft.

"What do you want, Marlene?" his tone wasn't harsh but his words were hurtful. Wasn't it obvious what she wanted? She wanted her boyfriend who claimed to love her to comfort her, to allow her to comfort him, to need each other and love each other like they promised to do.

"We should talk," she said instead. Those three words were as cold as an executioners axe ready to deliver death.

"We should," he confirmed, and the axe came crashing down, slicing through the air in one swift blow.

"I feel responsible for Euphemia's death. I was the one working. I was the one that was there when she died. James hates me and you won't say it but I know there's a part of you that resents me for that too," Marlene gushed before she could chicken out. There were things that needed to be said before he could get his own words out. "And then Patrick was just there. I know that's a horrible reason, but he was just there and I broke down. It was only a hug, Sirius. Nothing happened!"

"I know that nothing happened with Patrick," Sirius ran a hand through his hair. He was looking downwards at the floor and refused to look at her in the eyes. "And I don't resent you for Euphemia's death. I know it's not your fault."

"So it's okay to treat me like a door mat then?" Marlene's irritation flared up deep within her but her tone betrayed her, and what was meant to be anger came out desperate and hollow. "I know things haven't been easy for either of us Sirius, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

Finally he looked up. There was a look in his eyes that made Marlene's heart sink. Her throat suddenly constricted, feeling dry and she let out an unwilling choke of a sob.

"Marlene," he started to say.

"No," she heard the frantic edge in her voice. He didn't even need to say the words, she had already known what was coming even before she had arrived. A part of her had hoped she was wrong. "No, Sirius. Please don't do this. Please."

"It's not fair to you," he sounded sad. There was an edge to his own voice that sounded a lot like regret.

"You don't get to decide what's fair for me," she had started crying again. "I decide what's fair and what's not fair. And you walking out of my life is on you, not on me. I am not walking away from this."

"This isn't because I don't love you anymore," his eyes began to mist. Marlene had never actually seen him cry before, despite the evidence that he had the night at the hospital. But she had never actually witnessed tears fall freely from his eyes. Even though he wasn't crying, Marlene could tell that it was incredibly difficult for him to speak without showing his vulnerable emotions.

"Then keep loving me," she let out a devastated sob that was laced with anguish. There was no possible way she could keep herself composed. "I love you Sirius, please don't."

"I can't love you the way you deserve to be loved right now," he looked away again. "I haven't been good to you over the last year."

"You told me that you were joining this battle so that we could have a life together," she could feel the anger rising within her.

"And I did. I am. I want to live in a world where I don't have to leave you for weeks and push you to the back of my mind so that I can concentrate on what I need to do. I want to come home from work every day and see you, hold you, love you. I don't want to be an insanely jealous idiot that makes you cry because I don't treat you right. It's tearing me up inside to see you falling apart because of me. I can't do that to you anymore Marlene. I can't."

"You're doing it right now," the tears were rapid like an unrelenting flood. "Don't push me away."

"I am so sorry Mar," his eyes continued to water but his own tears did not dare to fall.

He moved towards her to pull her into him and she collapsed against his arms. She knew that this would be the last time she would feel herself wrapped around him. Sirius would not change his mind. At least, not right now. He smelled just like his sweater she had kept back in the summer before their seventh year. She breathed it in, trying to permanently store it with all her other memories of him.

She was selfish wanting to keep him when she knew deep down inside he was right. They had been breaking apart for so long and neither one of them knew how to fix it. But it felt wrong that Sirius was quick to give up after they had fought so hard to be together.

"I don't expect you to wait for me," he mumbled against her hair. "But maybe someday we'll find our way back to each other."

"I will always wait for you Sirius," she whispered back. "Always."

And then she left. The door to the apartment closed as well as the door to what existed between them. Everything was suddenly gone, and Marlene was left feeling more broken and empty then she could ever remember feeling; including when her own parents had died. At least then she had had other people who loved and cared for her. Now – well, now it felt like she had nothing.