how to not die alone(on hold)

its all i think about

obsess
/əbˈsɛs/
verb
past tense: obsessed; past participle: obsessed
//to preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually and to a troubling extent.//

when someone is truly obsessed, their interest has become compulsive, and they've begun to lose control over it.

i think im obsessed.
not with you
or her or them
just
with
myself.
and im beginning to think im terrible.
i dont think i used to be like this but
like a blocked nose, i cant remember what i had before.
i cant remember what its like to breathe easy,
i cant remember what its like to get out of my own head.
its not all terrible, obviously, i think im hilarious
but
what a terrible thing to think
and i know its wrong so does it cancel out?
  but isnt that what the church is for?
when i confess my sins, they spill out.
spill over holy ground and mix with the
prayers laid out earlier, in the light
and suddenly i cant tell the difference;
what i                                    want
                                          am
im losing control.
i argue with myself until my mind is tied into a knot and
i dont know who's who because
i think i grabbed a knife in the fight and
maybe a bible but its all a bit tangled and
im tired now.

so im obsessed.
my mind is filled with myself,
i am full of myself,
i want to get out of my head.