Nick & Bailey

68. Bailey

He pulls out of me and it feels like an abandonment. "What do you mean, Bailey? Of course I want you."

He sits up, but I don't move. I'm lying naked, covering my eyes as I sob into my arm. I'm so pathetic.

"Answer me, Bailey!" His yell gives me strength.

Without looking at him, I reach down toward my feet and grab my pants before pulling them on. He watches me and after a few seconds, does the same thing. I don't bother with my bra or tank top and just grab my hoodie, pulling it on and zipping it closed.

The tears will not cease, but I try to hold my head up anyway. "You don't want me, Nick, at least not how I want you."

"That's not true." He reaches for me but I crawl away until I'm off the truck, standing on the grass. He follows me. He still doesn't have a shirt on, and I try not to think about how happy I was mere minutes ago, looking at his body.

"What is it you want, Nick?!?" I'm yelling to drown out the overwhelming sadness taking me over. He doesn't answer me. "Do you want to go back to not speaking?!? Do you want to go back to how it was before you came to stay with me last week?!? Because I can tell you, Nick, I can't go back there."

He nods in agreement. "I can't, either."

"So what do you want, Nick?!? Give me a God-damned answer! You don't want to be in a relationship with me because of whatever fucking reason you've come up with." He starts to say something, but I hold out my hand to stop him. "And if I hear the name 'Ian' come out of your mouth right now, I will fucking lose it. Ian is across the country! And he's a big boy! He shouldn't be dictating your life!"

"It's not about him anymore!"

"What is it then, Nick?!?"

He looks conflicted, not sure if he should say out loud what he is thinking. "What if you leave me, Bailey? What if you crush me into a million pieces? Because that's what would happen. If I never have you, then I can't lose you."

I take a step toward him. "I won't, Nick. I would never hurt you."

He's shaking his head, looking at the ground. "You would. Because I would do something to fuck it up."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because look at my mom! My dad treated her like shit, and Ken treats her like shit! I'm sure they were both great in the beginning, and look where she's at now! Who's to say that wouldn't happen to us?"

"I say it wouldn't happen to us! You wouldn't do that to me."

He still doesn't look at me. All my emotions are right under the surface, but frustration makes it's appearance first.

"So you...what, Nick!? Just want me to be available to fuck whenever you feel like it?!? When's your next break? I'll clear my schedule!"

He looks at me, finally. "Are you fucking kidding me, Bailey?!? You know that's not what this is..." he pauses, running his hands through his hair. "Bailey, you know I love you! You have to know that!"

I can taste the tears on my lips as I lick them, trying to catch my breath and steady my heartrate. "You are right, Nick. I do know that. But what will never be okay is the fact that you don't want to.

"And that's the difference between us, I love you with everything in me. I'm willing to risk losing you, and getting my heart broken, and living the rest of my days always aching for you. And, stupidly, I'm glad! Because it will mean that I can show you how much I love you for every single day that you are mine. You may love me, but you wish more than anything that you didn't. It's just not a risk you're willing to take."

He doesn't answer me. I knew he wouldn't. I'm right. He knows it, and I know it.

"Just take me to my car, please." I turn away.

He walks silently to shut the tailgate of the truck before climbing into the cab, joining me. He put his shirt back on. On the drive here, I was so optimistic. I thought Nick and I might make this drive back as a couple. Instead, we're nothing.

The only thing I can feel right now is my heart, which just feels so heavy.

When we reach the parking lot, Nick speaks, "Do you want me to grab your bag for you?"

"Yes, thank you." I'm sure I look like a mess and don't want Candace and Pete to see me.

By the time he returns, I'm sitting in my driver's seat, both hands on the wheel, ready to leave as soon as possible. He opens the back door and sets my bag on the seat before standing outside my window. I roll it down but don't look at him. I've stopped crying and don't want to start again.

"I'm sorry, Bailey." He sounds weak.

I nod. "Me too."

He bends his knees and reaches into the window, placing his hand in my hair. He rests his forehead on my shoulder. "I don't want you to go." His voice cracks.

I turn my head to look at him and see that he is silently crying. Which of course gets my tears going again. "Oh, Nick..."

I open my door and step outside. Even though I am so angry at him right now, I still feel an overwhelming urge to comfort him. I wrap my arms around his neck as he holds me around my waist. We stand like that for a long time. Neither of us speaking, just enjoying the feel of each other...for the last time.

"I have to go."

I feel him nod, but he doesn't release me until I unwrap my arms and push against his chest. His face is wet from tears, and I wipe them away with my hand. He chuckles, embarrassed. "Sorry."

I smile. "Being with you has been the best time of my life. I love you. Don't forget that Nick. There will always be someone on this earth that loves you."

Without pausing, I climb into my car and start the engine. I purposely don't look at him while I back up and drive away, but when I am exiting the parking lot, I sneak a peek into my rearview mirror. He hasn't moved.