a long way from home ; g.d.

t h i r t e e n

The Empire State Building tour lasted about four hours. We went through all the floors, took some pictures, and bought some souvenirs. We spent a majority of our time there, since both Dave and Busters and the Rockefeller Center were closed. The Rockefeller Center closed because of weather, and Dave and Busters closed because of maintenance, I think.

Walking around a large city, visiting beautiful buildings and taking hundreds of pictures on all three of my cameras, and being with people that I considered true friends at this point was the most at home I'd felt in years. I say this now, but watch me go back to my hotel room and fall to pieces like I usually do.

Although I still felt shy and intimidated when I was with the four of them, especially tonight because it was the first time we'd ever hung out as a group, they don't treat me like I'm just some random girl who they're trying to get to know, the treat me like we've been best friends for years.

And Grayson, I don't even know what to say or where to start with Grayson. I'm absolutely crazy about him, and I've never been "crazy" about anyone. I feel like my ten year old self when I got my first boyfriend all over again.

At one point in the night, my phone rang and it was my mom again. I already knew who it was the second I heard it ring, because no body except for these guys and Gus have my number. I don't even know how my mom got it, because I got rid of my my iPhone and bought this one before I left. After I got back to my room, it was almost impossible for me to sleep because I kept hearing her voice repeating in my head.

Not just about what she said last night, but everything.
Every bad thing she's ever said to or about me, every time she's compared me to Charlie, or other girls at school, every time she's shot me down...

I hate her. I absolutely hate her. I know that might seem impossible, to actually hate your own mother, but I do. And all the feelings I've been having of regret, or fear, are somehow gone because I'd rather regret running away for the rest of my life than live in fear at a place that I didn't even call home.

I know New York isn't necessarily my permanent home either, but for now, that's what I'll call it.