A lot of the time, I feel off.
Not bored, but not really occupied
Not sad, but not particularly happy.
Its a truly awful feeling, may I just say.
You don't even really know why you feel this way, but you want it to stop. Or at least, i want it to stop.
Because im not sad. I know that for a fact. Sad is when my insides knot themselves up, and my face gets warm and blotchy. Sad is biting my tongue and making every face other than the one that I want to make. Sad is a burning heat behind my eyeballs, and pretending that I have eyelashes in my eye so no one knows I'm crying.
But I'm not happy either. Happy is crooked grins at my friends, and laughing at stupid references that no one else gets. Happy is listening to the same episode of the podcast that Ive heard a dozen times, and still grinning at every joke that I've already heard, and loudly making jokes when I'm by myself in the house and i know that nobody will hear it.
And what im feeling isn't boredom either. Boredom is tapping my finger together, and think about what would happen if my fingers were to suddenly catch fire. Bored is making an elaborate design on my wrist during an all school liturgy. Bored is sinking into my chair and glancing at the clock every few seconds, wondering if class is almost over.
Excitement is my eyes widening, and holding my breath. Excitement is a large grin, and a proud proclamation to everyone who can hear me that I'm excitied, and this is why. Excitement is when you realize at three in the morning that you have an amazing idea, and hurrying to get it down before it flies away from you. So thats not what im feeling either.
It's a bleh sort of feeling, and I get it a lot. I don't know what it is, but I don't like it.
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