Serena

T w e l v e

Trigger Warning

I can't explain the rush of emotions I feel as our kiss slightly deepens, but joy, freedom, fear, and excitement seems like respectable options. Jake slightly froze at first—probably shocked at my sudden boldness—but quickly accepted my actions and rested his hand on my neck. His lips tasted sweet I inhaled his scent. Mixture of cologne and soap danced through my nose and I liked it. Something stirred inside me and I had never felt it when I had kissed other boys and it left me feeling jumbled yet wanting more. Before anything else could transpire though, I pulled away slowly and looked into his eyes which held a series of emotions as well—confusion, lust, and delight.

"Woah," he breathed, a grin slowly finding its way to his full lips. "That was...unexpected."

I chuckled and looked away, feeling my cheeks redden. "Yeah well, sorry," I say, as I can think of thing else to reply with. "Real smooth Serena."

He jerks his head back, shaking his head. "Wait, what? Sorry? What are you sorry for?"

Raising my shoulders and meet his eyes once again. "I don't know. I guess because I didn't ask and I probably shouldn't have done that," I say though it comes out as sounded like a question.

Jake tosses his head back in laughter and I have to admit, it's a beautiful sound. "Serena, you do know there are worse things than kissing a gorgeous girl right? Not to mention that I had asked said girl on a date," he says, before laughing again.

"Yeah I guess you're right, sorry," I reply and laugh lightly.

"Okay first off, you never have to ask me for permission to kiss me. Just know the answer is always going to be yes. Secondly, you say sorry, like, a lot," he says. It was true, I definitely said it more than the average person and I needed to work on it. I was about to say it again but I catch myself knowing I would only prove him right.

"So why did you say that you probably shouldn't have kissed me?" he asks, his warm brown eyes glowing softly in the flickering candle light.

I sighed, "I just don't feel like its right. As if it's something I shouldn't be doing I guess." Aside from all of the exciting and lustful emotions I had experienced only moments ago, I cannot deny the fear and guilt I had also felt.

"What do you mean?" he asks confused, slightly tilting his head to the side.

How was I supposed to answer him when I didn't even know myself? In a way I felt that I shouldn't be kissing him—or anyone for that matter---until...well I don't really know that either. Until I was ready? But if I kissed him in the first place, didn't that mean that I was? I know I did it because I wanted to that's for sure. I will even admit that I liked him, perhaps a lot. But other reasons why I had allowed our lips to touch were in some ways, selfish. For example, I thought that it would somehow prove to myself that those that had hurt me couldn't keep me away from living my life and being happy and doing "normal" things. It was supposed to be a slap to the face in a sense even though neither of them would ever know that I had kissed Jake. There are other reasons as well of course, but at the moment I could hardly wrap my head around them.

Sensing my hesitation he pokes at my arm playfully, trying to make light of the situation. "Look, you don't have to answer why you feel that way, but you like me, right?" he asks. I nod my head, admitting to him that I did. "And even a blind man could see that I like you, right?' he asks again. I nod my head once more. "Then that's good enough for me."

I give him a small smile, thankful that he didn't push the matter. "Why are you so nice to me" I asked, curious. Now it's his turn to give me a confused look so I continue. "I know what they say about me behind my back at school and a lot of the students treat me like I'm the reincarnate of polio or something. I mean sure there is Lee and Caroline and a few others from my track team that still talks to me or smiles in the halls but it's pretty obvious things changed over the past year at school."