Letters From an Anonymous Reality

Letter 5

Dear Kitty, 

I didn't know what to do today. I felt abandoned. I know you couldn't control it, and you're not the bad guy, so if you ever read this, don't feel guilty. Life is life, and life took you away from me for half a day. In fact, I feel selfish for feeling abandoned and freaked out when you're the one facing all your worst fears. 

Please be careful. I know this weekend will probably be hard for you, but be careful. Don't do anything rash. Fight valiantly. You know exactly what I mean by that, so I expect you to try your best. Promise me you will try your best. Please? 

I'm just so scared. I can't be there to protect you. I can only hope he is there and can help, but I forgot to ask you if that was the case. I hope it is. I'm terrified for you. I'm terrified that something really really bad could happen, and I don't want to lose you. I can't afford to lose you, I just can't. I know you're probably even more freaked out right now, and you definitely have the right to be, but I can't even check to see how you're doing, and that's horrible for me. 

This is how our whole lives are going to be, isn't it? You'll get to all the scary stuff first, and I won't even be able to watch or cheer you on. I'll just wait for news, hopefully good... hopefully. But, as they say, no news is good news. For me, it's all a nightmare. If I hear from you, I hurt for you, but if I don't hear from you, I assume the worst. Either way, it tears me apart, and I care so much, I just need to know you'll be all right. I just need to know you are all right. Are you ok? I know you're not. But are you? Are you alive? Living, breathing, heart beating? No blood, no injuries? Are you ok? Please just say that you're ok. 

Please confirm that you are alive. 

I wish you the best of luck. I don't know what else to say. I miss you. Even though I would never see you right now, I know you're nowhere near here, and I can feel the weight of your absence. I have no one to go to now. I want to go swimming, but you're not here to hold me back... I'm not there to hold you back. Oh, what are we going to do? This is no way to live... but it's all we have, isn't it? So I guess I'm stuck here. I suspect I'll write a lot of letters these next few days. If only you could read them. If only you could respond. 

You're far away from here. It won't be long, but it's already an eternity. I care too much, I know it. I've always known it, but there's something in me that calls out with a broken voice, looking for love it can't have. Too many emotions, too much love, all pent up, it's bound to hurt, isn't it? But somehow I'm never ready for it. You're not gone. You're just not here. You'll be back. No matter what the intrusive thoughts say, you'll be back, right? 

You would tell me you're sorry I'm so freaked out. You would say my brain is lying. I would say I'm not sure. You would say it's lying. You would say you're coming back, wouldn't you? I have to trust that you would. I have to trust that this tiny part of my brain isn't a liar. I have to trust that who you are won't change. I have to trust you'll come back. 

It's just a weekend. A weekend trip. It's just a trip. Trips end. People come back. Not all cars crash. Not all thoughts are true. Not everything is as it seems. My brain is lying... right? I hope it's lying. I miss you already. If something happens, I'll die. It only took a few hours, and I'm the edge of collapse. Don't die. Come back. Come back from your trip and be alive. Come back. 

Please. 

-Your Crazy Friend