My Life in High School...

Pushing through

The next day at school was terrifying. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want him to look at me but at the same time I wanted him to hold me while I cried. I was contradicting myself so much it was unbearable. When I wasn't with him I was ok. I was trying to feel normal but if I saw him or heard his name I'd break down. I hated this feeling, the feeling of defeat, I was helpless. I needed him. I played sad songs on loop, three songs that were played most often were "Love was made to break" by Andy Black, "They don't know about us" by One Direction, and "Highway Don't Care" by Tim McGraw. I fell into a depression.. a black hole that got bigger and bigger with every tear, every thought, and sight of him. I missed him so much. But I needed to get out but I didn't know how. I began leaning on friends, Focusing on school, throwing myself into anything and everything to take my mind off of him. But then came Drama. Drama I was with him all the time. I watched him.. his every move. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I missed him then the most. I miss his laugh, his smile, the way his lips felt against mine... just everything. When I saw him with other girls I was full of rage. And by rage I mean I felt as thought I wanted to decapitate any and every girl near him. I hated them. All of them. And I hated myself for it. But I couldn't help myself. Soon it got better, bit by bit. We were still close obviously not as much but still close. I began getting better back to my old self. But a shadow still hung over me. A sadness that I couldn't get rid of but tried to ignore. Soon I began liking other guys. I started liked Jojo again... and a new crush occurred. Juan. He was also a senior and apart of our anime club. He was funny and nerdy and just a really amazing person Because I still believed I had no shot with Jojo.. My feeling do Juan grew bit by bit. I tried to hide my crush but my face said it all. Literally. I hope he didn't know... Soon Juan asked to come over to my house. I was astonished. Juan asking to come over!? I didn't even know him that well!! So I asked my dad and he said he didn't care. So the next day Juan came over and we played video games, watched anime, and talked. When he got to my house I had been texting Olivia about me freaking out over him coming to my house. Well he took my phone and I panicked what if he sees that I like him omg no. So I tried to get it back and I could see that he knew something was up but I'd hoped he'd forget it. So after he left I thought he did but I was as usual wrong. That night I got a message from him asking me a question. "ask why didn't you want to let me see your messages?" I froze. What am I supposed to say!? "You had better tell me I don't like when people talk about me behind my back." Those words scared me I didn't want him to hate me sooo I spilled. And I found that he had no feeling for me whatsoever. It hurt but... not as bad and Ricardo so I was honestly ok. And I moved on. Still liking Jojo.