13 reasons why [completed]

chapter 4;

it's hard, isn't it? it's hard to live this hell, that most of the people call life. ones who don't suffer, think everything is always easy, and get sad over little things that us, the depressed ones, like me, doesn't even matter since we survived much worse. most of people who saw me, would think that i'm happy, that i have a perfect life, since i'm really good at fake smiling. everyone, whenever they see someone smile, they think that that person is happy, only because he or she, smiled. but the truth can be that, the person is dying inside. like that every part of their body is hurting. well, that's how i feel right now. my heart is broken. if someone wanted to fix it, they wouldn't know from which piece to start. crying is like every day routine for me. i don't know how i have that much tears. but, the worst type of crying is at middle of night, when you have to hold your breath, so you wouldn't sob and wake up anyone. or you always say that you are fine, because you would rather suffer alone, than explaining to someone why you feel like that or what happened. you would think that cutting hurts? well, it does. but sometimes it's better to feel physical pain instead of mental. "don't end your life" they say. "it will be better" they say. "don't be sad" they say. well, let me clear some things. first of all, why wouldn't i end my life when i have no one by my side, no one to support me, no one to talk to, no one in who's arms i can cry? my parents hate me. i'm just a disappointment for them. second: it won't be better. it won't get easier by you just saying it. third: i have heard that words 100 times in my shitty enough life. they don't help. like i never thought of not being sad. i try to be happy. you think i am happy, but no. i mean, if you count a fake smile as it, i am really happy. but, not my whole life hasn't been like this. when i was little, everything seemed better. i didn't see the dark sides of life. i didn't have anything to worry about. i didn't have to worry about tomorrow. i wish it stayed like that. i wish martinus didn't change. that he didn't just think about himself and his own good. but i guess it's okay, since i don't matter.
forth reason: depression.