to build a home; cth + afi

VI

chapter VI; calum

new note
i don't remember much. other than the fact i felt fucking hopeless. i was for some reason just so upset but i couldn't put my finger on it. i was just so angry and confused and overwhelmed i couldn't piece anything together. and as you can tell i wanted to avoid everything so i just drank. ash it felt so good to just drink whatever i wanted and not care. but then zach came over and as you can tell i was too drunk to tell him no. i don't even remember what he had i just gave him a few hundreds and he poured a bunch of stuff out and i took what i wanted. i guess i just had to much because i don't remember anything after i swallowed the first few. i also don't think washing them down with shots did me any good either. but that's all i know. i'm guessing you have a few other things to tell me though.

after calum got done writing in his notes he handed ashton his phone and sunk his head into his hands. he let ashton read a little bit before looking up and judging ashton's reaction. he watched with dazed eyes as ashton would furrow his eyebrows and then soften his face when he realized what he was doing. they both knew calum couldn't handle much of any scolding or rejection right now.

when ashton got to the end of the note he closed his eyes and locked the phone and tossed it to the other side of the bed. he then took a deep breath and faced calum so they were almost sitting face to face, but calum couldn't look ashton in the eyes.

"you're right," ashton started, "i do have a few things i needed to tell you. but can you look at me first."

calum finally lifted his head, tears already welling in his eyes as he looked at ashton.

"you're okay. you're going to be okay. just know that i love you so much, yeah?" ashton spoke to calum very hushed and slow

the panic immediately sets into calum and his eyes finally well over as the first tears start to fall.

"what happened ash, please just tell me."

"shit wait i shouldn't have started out like that, i'm sorry. when i say you're going to be okay i truly mean it. no pictures, no articles, and no posts. i had sammy look all night to find anything, and she didn't. there was nothing she even had to stop. so be very thankful." ashton paused to look at calum and scoot himself closer so they were almost sitting side beside.

calum took this moment to nod his head and dry his tears with the edge of his sweatshirt. the only thing running through his mind was utter relief. however, it was a strong hand that brought his attention back into the world.

ashton gingerly lifted calum's head up to face his own, and then calum sat his head in ashton's head so that he was holding calum's face in his palm.

ashton has never recalled calum's eyes looking so lost and empty.

"why'd you do it cal?" ashton whispered so quietly he barely heard it himself

"i don't know. i wish i knew... god, why am i like this? calum whimpered as he let his head hang low

ashton just hummed and started running his hand through the back of calum's hair in order for him not to get stuck in the curls

it was a quite almost eerie silence between them. they both felt like they were walking on eggshells around one another.

all of the studded, breaking the calming silence, calum ripped himself out of ashton's hand and immediately swung his legs off the side of the bed, knocking ashton off it in the process. ashton quickly stumbled to his feet to see calum slipping on a pair of sweats. he was currently mumbling "fuck" to himself over and over again.

it didn't take long for ashton to figure out that calum put two and two together to understand why he got so drugged up last night, literally.

ashton quietly chuckled to himself before saying "now there's the the calum i was expecting this morning."

"shut the fuck up ash, this is not the time. god i'm going to fucking kill zach! why the fuck would he do that to me huh? he knows i've been trying to quit. he knows that i should never be doing any of that shit." calum started to yell as he was pacing the room.

"listen cal, i don't want to have to say this to you but i know i'm going to be the only to to tell it to you. but did you stop to think and say maybe it's because you didn't say no? you gave him your money? he gave you your fix and then left? i don't know what you want me to tell you other than the fact you can't blame zach."

"what do you mean i can't? i am right now! he shouldn't have even shown up last night."

calum abruptly sprinted to open the door to which ashton responded by grabbing calum by the arm and pulling him back into the room and using his body to slam the door shut. ashton backed calum even further into the door and held him there so he could calm down. he can't be doing this now.

calum's breathing was ragged and ashton finally saw something in his eyes other than an abyss. it was the life that he had been lacking but instead of a spark it was a roaring flame. he hated how quickly calum could change like that.

calum looked into ashton's eye, and they both knew what was about to happen. calum took this chance to reach up and attempt to attach his lips to ashton's but ashton was way quicker on his feet and backed away while calum was left yearning.

"calum."

"god please ash, just once. i fucking miss you so much."

"if you want me to do what's best for you, then you already know what my answer is."

oof sorry, bit of a cliffhanger if you will

not much to say kinda like this so uh bye

love you lots x