A Year Of Living Stupidly

14. Trouble, Pt. II

"What did you do to her?" BF asks when I climb back into bed.

"What did I do to who?"

"You were in Chicago today." My chest constricts. "She called me in a panic. I speak to her maybe twice a year and she's calling me to find out what you want. Like I'm supposed to know?" How could she know? She deserves to know. I should tell her. I should tell her everything. Here goes. I tell her when the affair started and how she helped pull the trigger. I describe the sneaking around and how we once discussed inviting her into our sex life. I feel cheated when she says she would have been into it. If I've hurt her with this new information, she doesn't let on.

"Well, that explains why she was so weird after you moved." She means that they don't speak to each other because they got into a fight over me. 3a was mad at me but wouldn't say why. BF stuck up for me—her lying friend. The kindest thing I can do is to lie to her one last time. 3a wanted to tell her, I fib.

"Keeping it from you was all my idea. I'm so sorry." She pauses for an eternity.

"Me too." I realize that because they no longer speak, 3a can't know Threeb and I have split. And because BF didn't know about my affair with 3a, their friendship suffered. There was no way she could advise 3a about my intentions. But now, seeing as BF knows everything, couldn't she call 3a on my behalf? I can't ask that. Maybe I can.

I stay in Milwaukee for a few days longer, snapping at my family, avoiding my friends, and waiting on the phone that never rings. I think about the billionaire media mogul's coin toss and how one little action on his part ruined my entire life. Was that Karma for how I handled things with 3a? Did I ruin her life? If so, does this make us even? Was the universe trying to show me how my actions impacted her? Would knowing how I ache now please her? I head back to California to live the rest of my life.

-A LONG TIME AGO-

"Shh. Do you hear that?"

"I don't hear anything."

"Isn't that the most beautiful sound?"

"I still don't hear anything."

"Look out the window. See how dense the snow is?"

"Uh-huh."

"And what do you hear?"

"Nothing."

"Exactly! The snow muffles the sound of the city. Isn't that the most intense quiet you've ever heard?"

"It is now that you've pointed it out."

"This is about the only time I can stand being in this god-forsaken town anymore."

"I'm cold."

"Get back under here. Better?"

"A little."

"Isn't that an amazing sensation—the cold air in your lungs and the warmth under the blanket?"

"Amazing. Can we close the window now?"

"Okay. Can I tell you how beautiful you are?"

"No."

"Then can I tell you about the promise I made to myself last year?"

"What promise?"

"I promised myself that I would never ever date any of those girls that are, you know, the norm around here. I convinced myself that I was a guy who only dated girls who were a cut or two above—the ones who want more out of life than what this place has to offer."