Lucent | Ashton Irwin

40

Unforgiving

October 31st.

It's hard to admit that you're wrong. Then when someone comes around to tell you why you're making an unreasonable decision you feel like an idiot because you know that they are right. I thought that by not talking to my mother about the accident would be easy but it wasn't. I was constantly questioning why she lied to me and why she felt the need to keep Ashton out of my life. Not surprisingly it was Ashton that thought I should talk to her. I didn't want to, but I knew his reasons as to why I should were valid. I couldn't throw away my relationship with my mother, she was the only family I had left. That was one of the only reasons I decided to fly out to Austin. The other reason was that Ashton deserved an apology from her.

I had been pacing the room for nearly fifteen minutes just contemplating what to do or say to her. I knew that my emotions were already building up and I was trying my best to stay calm. The last thing I needed was to lose my shit in front of my mother. I was also stressing out because I had realized I never let my her know I was even visiting and I feared, but also hoped, she wouldn't be home.

"Rynn we have to go at some point you know that right?" Ashton sighed catching my wrist as I walked past him frantically. I ceased my movements and took a deep breath. "Rynn come here." I bite down on my bottom lip and turn around to face him. "It'll be okay, you know." He spoke quietly, gently pulling me closer.

"But I don't know if I can even forgive her right now." I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder as I sat down on his lap.

"I don't expect you to forgive her so quickly, but you need to talk to her, let her know how you feel about the situation." He explained. I knew that telling her how I felt wouldn't be hard. I wasn't happy about what she did and I hated that what she did brought him unspeakable pain. I'll say it a thousand times, he deserved an apology and it needed to be sincere.

"And tell her to apologize to you..." I added. Ashton narrowed his eyes at my words.

"I don't need an apology."

"Yes you do. She's the one who caused emotional damage." I countered. He shook his head at me and slowly laced his fingers with mine.

"Rynn, I was already emotionally hurt by the accident itself. Even if she hadn't told me to speak to you again, I wouldn't have ever had the strength to even go up to you." He reasoned. "You're the one who deserves an apology. I'm not saying I was any better than your mother, and we both lied for two very different reasons, but she didn't tell you the truth. I think that's worse than her forcing me to stay away from you." I didn't want to admit it but Ashton was right - again. I thought about it for a bit as I sat there on his lap. Although he endured a great deal of pain, he wasn't lied to; I was.

"What do I even say to her though? Thanks for not telling me that I got in a car crash with my not-so-new-boyfriend?" I whined.

"Sarcasm won't help, Rynnie. Just take a more calm approach, I know it won't be easy because being lied to is pretty infuriating. But you have to contain your anger." Ashton replied.

"I can try to hold it in. I don't have much anger left anyway...I kind of took it all out on you that one night."

"Better to take it out on me than on her."

"But you didn't deserve that."

"Stop worrying about me Rynn. I'm fine now, trust me. This was never about me, it's always been about you, from the very beginning." Ashton took both my hands in his, urging me to look him in the eyes.

"I know, I know...but-" He was now glaring at me warningly. I released a heavy sigh and let my forehead rest against his. "Okay."

"We should get going. I can't let you put this off any longer."

.

.

Ashton stood behind me as I stared nervously at the door before me. With every second that passed my nervousness was building. I kept closing my eyes shut, using all the strength I could to rid of my thoughts about turning around. But I couldn't give up, I needed to talk to her. I suddenly felt Ashton's hand on my back. I instinctually turned around.

"You got this little star, I'll be here with to every step of the way." He reassured. I nodded slowly and turned back around to press the doorbell. My heart began race faster and before I knew it, the door opened. There she was, her smile bright as ever, but it quickly faded when she saw that I wasn't smiling back.

"We need to talk." I stated. The moment it slipped from my mouth, my mother looked like a deer in front of headlights. Her face seemed to flush pale and she froze in place. She didn't move for even a minute. "Now." I added, doing my best to keep myself calm.

My mother's gaze darted from me to Ashton, who still stood behind me, only know his hand was holding tightly onto mine. She eased to the side to allow us to walk in.

"...would you like anything to drink?" She asked, her voice rather shaky.

"No, we need to talk." I persist, making my way over to the couch. Ashton soon sat down beside me, still keeping his fingers entwined with mine.

"I'm so sor-" She mumbled under her breath, already knowing what this was about.

"Why did you lie to me?" I cut her off.

"I-I was trying to protect you."

"From what? The boyfriend who watched me bleed?" I fumed. Ashton began to squeeze my hand gently. I glanced back to see him close his eyes. "I'm sorry..." I whispered to him, realizing that what I had said reminded him of the unforgettable scene.

"No...I just didn't want you to lose focus on school. I was afraid you'd be physiologically damaged if you knew." She said, tears already falling from her face.

"Mom, I would've been fine! And seriously? School? Is that all you care about? I would've worked my ass off even if you would've told me the damn truth!" I raised my voice.

"I'm sorry, dear! I was just scared!" She cried out. I shook my head, tears now threatening to escape my own eyes. I felt Ashton's other hand rub my back in attempt to calm me down. I took a deep breath, bringing my heat rate back down. Once I regained my composure I spoke again.

"I can't forgive you right now. You lied to me and it's as simple as that. You had everyone lie to me; both Michael and Ashton."

"They could've told you the truth."

"Of course they could have, but they didn't because they didn't want to upset you. They know who you are mom. They know how you work. I have no doubt in my mind you found a way to convince them to convince then to keep their mouth shut."

"I did-"

"I don't want to hear your excuses. Look, I'm not walking away from you forever. You're my mom and I still love you, but I'm not sure I can forgive you yet." I said, standing up from the couch.

"Dear please, please, forgive me." She begged as we began to head for the front door.

"Not now." I stated firmly before walking out. As soon as the door closed I finally let out the tears I had been keeping from falling. It didn't take long for Ashton to engulf me into an embrace. I cried into his shirt, tears surely staining the soft fabric.

"Shhh, it's okay my little star." He murmured in my ear, kissing the top of my head.

"She lied to me again..." I managed to say.

"I know..."

"I just...I want to go home."

"We are, Rynn. It's okay."

+

Sorry this might be a really lame chapter but it's like 1 am and I'm having preshow insomnia.

Yes I'm seeing 5sos tomorrow--- and I'm going to sob my eyes out.

Anyway hope you guys like this sucky chapter!

[ l e x i ]