Kitty 🐺

Panic Attack

I paced the room. My chest heaved, my brain was in a whirl, and my heart was jumping. I was not okay, not mentally okay. Depression was setting back in and I couldn't fight it. And it's not like Matt or Fire was here to comfort me.

A slow, steady tear dripped down my cheek. I don't bother wiping it away, I just keep my arms folded and tucked up against my chest. I go to the nearest wall and lean against it. I lean my head against the hard surface, looking up to the ceiling as more tears pooled in my eyes, then fell.

The house was quiet, save for my now shallow breathing. Matt was out with Ice at the park, and Fire wouldn't be coming to Texas until next week.

I close my eyes and just sit there, trying to force out the self-degrading thoughts, anxiety and what ifs.

It wasn't for another few minutes that I moved. I knew exactly what I was going to do, what I needed to get, and where it was.

I go to my bathroom and open my mirror-cabinet above my sink. There was an arrangements of all of my pills. I grab the bottle that had the best-working pills. I shut my cabinet with it in hand, greeted by my relfection.

I was a mess. My eyes were read, face stained with tears, and I look miserable. I slowly shake my head and leave the bathroom. I knew I was a mess, I didn't need to see it in my reflection to know.

I make my way to the kitchen and sit down at the table. I look out the window above the sink, watching a bird on a branch. It was peacefully chirping, sitting in the sun. That caused more tears to fall. Why did everything have to seem so happy when I wasn't?

Looking down to the bottle, I open it and sigh. I was done with life, for good. Today was the day. I didn't want to be here anymore.

As I lift the bottle up, ready to take way more pills that necessary, the front door unlocks. I turn, expecting Matt and Ice. But it wasn't. It was Fire.

"Kitty?" She asks me, dropping her duffle bag when she saw me and my disheveled state.

I start to cry again, my heartrate picking up and anxiety pricking all over again.

"Kitty, what's wrong?" Fire asks, rushing towards me.

I jump up from my chair, dropping the bottle of pills on the ground. Fire and I both look at the spilled contents on the floor. She looked up to me, and I could tell something in her head had clicked.

"You... Weren't going to..." She whispers, tilting her head.

I nod meekly, dropping to the ground, into a criss-cross position. I pull my knees up to my chest, burying my face in them. More and more tears came, until I was sobbing.

"Oh, baby..." Fire coos, dropping to my side.

"I-I can't stop it, I'm sorry..." I whimper.

"It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe. You don't have to be sorry for anything. I've got you." She says quietly, pulling me into a tight hug.

We sat like that for a long while.

"What happened?" Fire asks, pulling away, but leaving a hand on my shoulder.

"I- My depression kicked in and I just had so much anxiety, I couldn't fight back, I couldn't help anything." I sigh, lifting my head up to look at her.

Her usual bitch-face was replaced with a soft, sympathetic look.

"I was terrified of having to go back to a mental hospital because of it... So I was going to overdose..." I finish, looking away.

"Honey, you should have called me." Fire reassures me.

I nod once, closing my eyes for a long second.

"I'm glad I came down early to surprise you." She murmurs, hugging me again.

"If I lost you, I would have lost half of my heart."