SORRY PLUTO [ JACK x ZACH ]

sixteen

i could still feel jack's lips on mine once we pulled away, staring into his beautiful brown eyes could make one blind; and i sure was blinded

he blinked his eyes open, staring into mine with a small smile plastered onto his face. i smiled back, "y'know how i said pluto is extremely cold?"

he nodded.

"well, pluto just felt warmth, and it's because of you, saturn. you did it."

jack laughed, "oh god, isn't pluto like -- a giant ice block? sorry pluto!"

my smile just grew larger, "it's okay saturn, it's all okay."

and it totally was.

"it's okay." he whispered under his breath. i nodded, "it's okay."

~

i couldn't really contain myself. i had just kissed jack! saturn! i'd finally kissed him!

i felt like i was dreaming.

i just left his house, yet i couldn't stop thinking about him. my brain was filled with the moment just replaying over and over.

that was a beautiful first kiss.

i don't think he knows his meaning, knows how much he meant to me and probably other people.

i hope he knows.

but, i feel it happening again,

that clenching feeling in my stomach,

my leg shaking under the table,

why.

the bad thoughts kept swarming in,

faster than the good thoughts ever would,

death.

i feared it, i feared it so badly,

panic attacks make me feel like i'm dying.

it's getting harder to grip onto this pencil,

i feel the darkness start to swim in me,

and just when i thought pluto would be warm.

just when i thought he'd finally be happy,

smiling,

enjoying his wonderful life after kissing the most beautiful boy he's ever met,

rather than sweating,

struggling to breathe.

it's pain.

and i was so done with it.

i was completely done with the pain,

the aching feeling in my chest whenever i'd overthink,

and i shouldn't be sad.

i shouldn't be sad.

i can't be sad.

i wanted to be happy for me,

myself,

i can't take this anymore.

i've reached the edge,

stumbling slowly,

rocks falling down into the oblivion,

breaking once they've met the bottom.

and i feel lifeless.

hyperventilate.

trembling,

dazed,

drowning in my own fear,

sweating,

headache,

it's never been so bad.

it's my brain telling me i didn't deserve to have that strike of confidence,

having that one happy thought.

i wish someone could help me,

no one cared,

i'm so far.

sorry pluto.

~~~~~

hi i actually feel like all my books are terrible and am really sad right now

sorry for the small and crappy chapter but on the flip-side, the new wdw song seems soo cool

ok literally the boys are reading this rn like zach's NEVER TALKED ABOUT NASA BEFORE WHAT

okok sorry bye