Heaven in this Hell

Four

I miss so much when I came home and there was my parents to ask how my day was and if I was okay. I miss them so much. I have to visit them one day but I don't feel with strength enough to go there and talk with them. How can I do that? Passed so many years since the last time I talked with them. Nobody can imagine the pain I feel and the guilt I take with me everywhere I go. Sometimes I wish I could die, sometimes I wish I never existed. I blame myself for everything. If I never had that stupid idea of disappear, this wouldn't happen. I want apologize. I never had this feeling of regret this way before. It's my fault! It's all because of me. I am alone and I can blame myself for that! I am stupid and I hate myself. 

I push away everyone around me! I do that and I can't control myself. I am alone and the more I am alone, more I want to be alone. I might be crazy or I have some thinking disorder or something because I can't understand this... Here we go again, I am thinking about him again. That's it! I go to the psychiatric hospital and I will hospitalize myself. That's it! 

I can't stop thinking about this... How can I possibly imagine that he can be interested in me? Why did he talk to me? I really have to stop thinking about this... His smile, his eyes... No! No! Think about pizza Allie! Think about blue! Think about everything but forget him for god sake! My phone is ringing, I think it is a message. I don't care I am good like this. Fuck! I need to pee! I was so confortable, damn it! Well, at leats I can read the fucking mensage. 

Yes, it is message from the operator, nothing important. Why did I get nervous with the mensage? He doesn't have my phone number. I am insane and out of my mind. I can't stop think about him. I am anxious and I want to see him again. No! What's wrong with me? I am alone and I will be alone forever until I am dead. End of the story! I have to kill my heart, is pissing me off, is beating so fast and so loud and I feel butterflies in my belly. Am I pregant or something? What the hell? This is a disease! I am sure!

Sometimes, I wish I could know what is a friend. I wish I could know what is tell secrets and trust. I don't know. I am afraid of people. I am afraid to love someone and the one I love just go away and leave me. I can't deal with that kinda of pain. So, I prefer to be alone always and forever. 

Sometimes, I think about happiness. I think about what is the feeling of smile, a fucking happy smile. All I do is faking smiles. I hate when I have to smile at work. What a fake smiles I do. Sometimes I think about all this kind of stuff because I really don't understand his smile but at the same time... I wish I could know more about his smile. Is he really happy or...? Nevermind. I am how I am supposed to be... alone. 

Tomorrow is another day. I don't have to work so, I'll go to Starbucks and read Shakespeare again. Same routine, same lonely routine. I like it, just like this. Just like I want it to be. I should try to sleep but... I need to take a deep breath and try understand this world.I am confused and I am confusing myself. My head is a sea of thoughts, my chest a battlefield and my stomach is a freak, always doing sounds, this is ridiculous. I am hungry... again! I don't eat since this morning, I don't want to eat. I am feeling fat and I am feeling ugly and all I wanna do is break my mirror, grab a piece and cut my wrists. Come on, I don't like dramatic scenes but I am dramatic... too much dramatic, please I just want shoot myself. I am so disgusting. I really have to go to the psychiatric hospital. Now, I am getting sleepy. 

"Good Morning!"  - I say to myself with a ironic voice. I'm freezing and I am with one t-shirt only. I might be crazy. I am middle of winter and I am wearing one t-shirt like it was a dress in middle of summer. I like cold, I like rain, I like cloudy days. It reminds of me. 

I am look through the window watching the sky crying while I am drinking this hot black tea. I take a deep breath and I am encourage myself to face another lonely day. I am sick of complaning about being lonely but the truth is, I can't see me differently. So, I have to stop complaning about everything, I am just sick of it, sick of me... And I am complaning again. I must shut up, I really do. It's raining and I have to go to Starbucks. I will definitely look like a wet dog, I don't mind. 

Puddles, puddles everywhere. The street looks like an ocean made of rain, awesome! 

I am at the same place as always. Reading the same book, driking the same coffee. Today, I can't read and I am nervous. I look around, I am looking for him. I know I won't see him anymore. I have to focus on the book. ("All lovers young, all lovers must // Consign to thee, and come to dust". ). Shakespeare can you teach me to write like you? Or .. can you bring him back to me? What the hell I am thiking? Stupid me. He isn't here, I am losing hope. I didn't want to see him again but i need to. I need...

- "I knew you were here!" -  I hear one voice, it's him!

- " Yes, I am always here. It isn't that hard to know." - I am pushing him away, I am so stupid.

- " You are always like this?" 

- " Like this? "  - What the hell it is supposed to mean?

- " Yes, like this. Always pushing away the people who try to be close to you. And like this... so pretty."

- "I am fine all alone. I don't really need anymore by my side." 

- " You are doing this, don't you?" 

- " Doing what?"  - Alright, I am confused and lost right now.

- "Lying to yourself! You lie to yourself all the time!"

- " How do you..." - I was interrupted by one girl who was calling him. She was so pretty. He has a girlfriend. Perfect. Now, I will definitely push him away.

- " Sorry... I have to go! Think about what we were talking, okay? "

I didn't answer, I just watched him walking away while that girl looked at me and laughed. Am I a crown or something? How could I be so stupid? I knew that no one would ever look at me even less would ever fall in love with me. Another question in my head :"What the fuck is love? Is it something that I can eat. If I can, great, because I am hungry right now."