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I am cold. It's rainning outside and I am watching the sunset. I've been alone and I still alone. I take a deep breath and I go to the couch with a blanket on my legs. I feel the warm that is coming from fireplace and I change the channels on television but I am not watching anything. I turn off the TV and I lay on the couch. I am looking at ceiling while I hear the silence, I find myself thinking about this emptiness inside me, about this giant nothing inside my head. My heart is beating, I am certain of it because it's beating so loud, beating so fast that I feel and I hear my heart so well. My chest is full of pain, it's true. It's like... knives cutting my heart in pieces but it still entire. This is so stupid, I am so stupid, I am sorry. 

It's getting dark outside, there's no sun anymore. I have so many words on my mind I want to write them but when I am about to write...I lose them, I lose the words, I let them slip through my fingers. I give up. There's nothing left to say. Wait... There's someone knocking at my door. Who can be at this hour? 

I forgot completly! Tonight is Halloween. Now, I have to deal with kids knocking at my door all night long. I love kids but I want to be alone, alone with my thoughts. Can you just go away please? I was trying to sleep but I don't know what is the meaning of "sleep" because I look like a zombie or a vampire, I don't know, I just can't sleep, eat, walk, nothing. Sometimes look like I'm dead and that is not a big deal too. 

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