Heaven in this Hell

Ten

It's too much pain to handle. I can't handle this pain, I can't handle to live without her. I can't breath. I feel so empty. Never felt this empty before. Why she had to go? Why? I need her so much, so fucking much.

I am coming home and I don't even walk, I am almost crawling. I feel my body so heavy but at the same time I feel so... empty. I can't stop crying, I just want to lay down in the bed and cry and cry and cry. Cry a river or an ocean, I don't care, I want to cry so much. I feel so weak. Tomorrow is her funeral and I don't know If I should go. I don't know if I am prepared to see her... dead. I know that... I need to say goodbye but I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want! 

I am laying in the bed and all I think about is the things I wanted to say to her. Things I should have said and I didn't. So, I grabbed a pen and one piece of paper and started writting:"Kyra, kyra, you just don't have no idea what you meant to me. You mean the world, the life, everything to me. You saved me from myself, from the world outside. You were a miracle that happened to me. Damn it kyra, why you had to go? Why did you leave me here alone? I need you so fucking much. I love you so fucking much! I want to hold so tight. I want to feel your lips and your arms again. I want to feel you by my side! Come back Kyra! come back Kyra and tell me that it is just a bad dream, a nightmare! Tell me that you are here and you won't leave. ..". I just can't write anymore, I am so exausted and confused. My words don't come out and I ... can't talk. All I can do is cry and scream her name. I can't handle this... I can't.

I grabbed my bag and started running, I want to be close to her, so, I go to Heaven. I am on my knees in the sand, took a deep breath and remembered that day, that magic, perfect but horrofic day. I almost feel her with me, almost feel that she is here with me, that she is holding me and kissing my cheek, but that is impossible, she is dead and she is not really here and I don't wanna believe about life after death, because if I start to believe, I will want to live with her after death, I want to see her again, hold her again. I will want to live again with her. 

Here's the sunset and I can't hold my tears, I feel so alone again, alone with such a good memories. Why everyone have to go? Why? Why I have to be alone? I lose everyone! 

Today is her funeral and I feel so lost, I don't know what to do. I need to be with her one last time even I have to see her...dead. I barely can say this word because... I still don't believe, I still don't want to believe. I will see the truth with my own eyes and... I won't be strong enough. 

I am now in the cemetery, I see people crying and... oh my god, he is here. I am sure that it was his fault! He killed her! That bastard! I kill him! I am getting close, they are crying so much that don't even notice me. There is she. Tears are falling in the ground like it's raining heavily, I am shaking, she is there and I still don't believe. She looks like is sleeping, she looks like an angel, so perfect, so... beautiful but... she is dead. Dead! He is crying too.. yeah.. crying more like faking. I swear I kill him! 

She is getting buried now, it's time to say goodbye. Goodbye my love, I already miss you, I love you so much Kyra.

She is buried now. I am on my knees in front her grave. Everyone got away, I am alone here and crying her name. I can't go. I don't want to leave her side. I am laying down in the floor, crying her name, I still talk with her like she is here, and she is. She is here, underground. She is in peace but I need her so much. I say "I love you" out loud, hoping that you are here to hear. I say "You're perfect" and I can imagine your smile. They took you away from me. They will pay for it my love, I swear to you Kyra.

I feel asleep in front of her grave, I woke up and I still can't leave.