Steel Skeleton

Addicted Again?

 The early evening sunlight was brightly illuminating the gym. The large windows looked out upon the horizon, which was out to a small part of the city. The weather was still warm, as it was still September, albeit late September. Gavin was now almost a month into this whole thing, and his weight had climbed far too high for his liking. He found himself terrified of hitting the goal weight the team had come up with. It was still 25 pounds away, and he was terrified. He already felt so horridly fat at this point.

Gavin knew it was all hid head playing tricks, but it didn't help much. He still hated himself.

He kept working on an act that he had to prepare for a gig; it was right after he would get out, and that, well it was terrifying. People who had seen him just months earlier would see him at his discharge weight, the highest he would have been in years.

The wheel seemed to be gliding smoothly, and he was sweating. It was almost as if he was back in his studio, with his company. The only thing was the whole fact that the gym had other folks in it, and the fact that he was still in the inpatient unit.

It was ok, and he was ok at the moment, as long as he was training.

It grew to be 8;30, and he had to stop, so he rolled the wheel to its' storage place and did a bit of cooling down. He found his heart rate wasn't as wonky after working out. He had little chest pain at all from exhaustion. Something had changed and he wasn't sure if he liked it or not.

To be healthy was a dream, but it was also his worst nightmare, and he wasn't sure what he wanted at this point. He was at the breaking point. To push past this, well, it would be a step towards recovery, and a massive one.

Gavin walked back into his room and grabbed clothes to shower. He called a nurse to go with him, as he was still unable to go into the bathroom alone. They couldn't trust him just yet, apparently, which he did find frustrating.

There was a knock on his door, and he walked to meet the nurse. The two walked to the bathroom and Gavin closed the door just a bit, at this point, they only listened to the noises of purging. He found himself in front of a mirror, a small one, surely, but a mirror. He began to pull his clothes off of his body. He caught a glimpse of his back, and how the bones of the ribs seemed to stick out less. His chest bones were starting to hide, and he hated it. His body was changing, and he found it was not for the better, he was terrified of gaining weight.

Gavin turned the shower on, and he quickly washed his body of the sweat. He felt the way his stomach wasn't as tight. He wasn't sure if that was water retention or fat yet. It would become clear in a few weeks. At this moment it was just a part of himself that he hated.

He put some fresh clothes on and walked back into his room. He found himself just riddled in the self hatred. The feeling seemed to be one that he couldn't just ride. It was growing, and it was growing fast. He couldn't take it really.

Gavin knocked on the door of Lars' room. The door opened.

"You ok?" Lars asked, and Gavin shook his head.

"Not at all." Gavin stated, and walked into the room.

"Talk to me, I'm here for you." Lars said, and Gavin sat in the desk chair.

"You know, I thought I was actually ok with the whole gaining weight thing, but man, I'm not. I'm the highest I've been in a few years, and I'm still so far from anything." Gavin stated. He felt his voice waver. He felt tears sting his eyes. He rarely found himself crying over his weight, but now it was much more common. The weight gain was dawning, and he was terrified.