Beautiful Nightmare

Day 20

Nyssa

Its been two weeks since I've been out of the hospital, and only a week since Elijah has come home. While I was in the hospital still under observation Luke was at home with Tay rearranging the nursery for both boys to be comfortable.

When I got back, there were mahogany cribs both lined in blue one had Elijah's name plastered across the front and the other was bare seeing as I'm not due until another two months.

After the DNA results came back positive as Luke being Elijah's father the state just gave in giving Luke full custody if Elijah and they closed the case within the first three days.

Luke also planned a funeral for Alicia, he told me that I didn't have to attend but I wanted to because even though Alicia hurt me I still wanted her to rest peacefully and know that her son will be taken cared of.

The funeral was bright and Alicia looked peaceful , after heavy negoation I got Luke to let me bring Elijah to the funeral. He was against it at first , "Nyssa what the hell would make you think I'd want my son to go the funeral of his mother. He's infant he doesn't need to be around that."

"Luke that's his mother and even if he's an infant I know Alicia would want him there, and don't try and to be so daddy just yet when you denied him for the longest time! Elijah is going to his mother's funeral and I don't care what you say, he will have questions one day Luke and I want us or of its just you to be able to tell him everything that happened and everything he wants to know."

Luke stared at me and rubbed his face trying to gather his thoughts, "Nyssa you know what fine, ok" he said going to the window a tear falling down his cheek.

I just stared at him until he turned and mentioned me away...things have been rocky with us since after the hospital.

I stay home and take care of Elijah and see Tay off and back to school. I basically am the wife even though I barely have a commitment from Luke. While I'm being a mom and trying to stay comfortable being pregnant Luke is always at "work" gone late in the afternoon back the next morning. The same cycle, just different days.

Sometimes I try and wait up for him, but I just end up falling asleep on the couch. As for school I go in from time to time to take a quiz or a test, but seeing as I am all good to graduate June has only been my main focus. I'm due in March and its just the beginning of January I really want Luke's help, I'm just not sure how to ask him for it yet.

Nightmare

I've been out a lot lately those two weeks I was off I lost money and I can't lose money like that. Babies cost money and I have a good sum saved up in an offshore account, but the constant hustle is what really gives me a high.

With the adrenaline I feel makes up for the guilt that's still inside me, Alicia died because of me and I can't bare to look at Elijah for more than two minutes without breaking down crying. I know that's driving a wedge between Nyssa and I, but I just can't do it right now. I really need my space and I hope she understands that. Sometimes I come home and find her asleep on the couch in another attempt to wait until I get home, but that doesn't work and I'm glad because I don't want to hear how I'm never home, where am I at and all that other bullshit. I just want to make money and move my shipments that's it.

I got done early at my office and decided to go home for the rest of the night the cold January air hit my face as I walked inside my house to see Nyssa sitting there sipping tea out her favorite mug twiddling with her fingers.

"Hey your home" she said her eyes lighting up at me.

"Yeah I'm home and tired so I'm going to go to bed." I said beginning to walk past her.