My life with an eating disorder

my way out

My eating disorder sometimes functions like a way out of real life or dealing with stuff that happened or even happen to me.
Got hurt? Don't eat. Bad grade? Don't eat. Gained weight? Don't eat. Feel sad? Don't eat.

And maybe this sounds crazy to you or others but this is my mind for years now and I have no idea what is it like to don't have thoughts like this, I wish I knew what it is like to love my own body, love every meal I eat and not feel I'm fighting myself just to get skinny.
For every problem I get I see "not eating" as a solution and some days I deal better with it than normal because I know my eating disorder will never completly leave me.
But now I deal better with if by going to the gym and yes the gym is a huge trigger because of all the fit girls I see there but I just think about myself and focus on my music and work out. I have a own workout plan where I stick too and I just focus on that instead of comparing myself to others. And yes this is hard it always is but I know this is better for me than going back to my old habbits.