NUMB

3

I woke and checked my cell, AGAIN- it had been three days without a word from him. Three Days of constantly checking my phone. A new message from Kate alerted me to their surprise trip to Hilton Head Island.

"Hey" I said curiously.

"Hey you, pack up for the beach, we are all going, my family and his!" she squeaked excitedly.

I sigh internally.

I love my best friends, but I'm not really in the mood to be a third wheel right now. I look and feel like Hell, complete Hell. I am a hot mess, I know I am. The confidence I had about my life and my feelings, just 3 days ago has completely vanished!

I really truly just want to crawl under a rock. I've been running, reading, listening to music, sleeping a lot and avoiding Gram, Lane and Kate. I don't want to disappoint them, but I just can't seem to hold it together. That damn dream is driving me crazy. Over and over again, like a broken record. If I don't talk to anyone, then I don't have to put all my crazy into words, why can't they understand that?

I sigh aloud.

"We are not taking no for an answer, you need some fun... Please... PLEASE come with us... it wouldn't be the same without you?" she questions, but somehow sweetly demands at the same time.

"Alright, I'll get ready and pack, I guess." I answer flatly. Just honestly not feeling up to par after the stress of the last few weeks, plus, the complete disappointment of not hearing from him again. I had been spending time alone, which I needed, while trying very hard not to sink back down to the pit of depression I've been in since December.

Of course, it wasn't working, I couldn't help but feel sad and let down- AGAIN!

I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but can't I just avoid anything that might disappoint me? Its my life, right?

I'll be a hermit, study online and keep in touch via text and email? If I stay away from life, it can't hurt Mr, right?

I sigh aloud.

"I know you will feel better around us, just give it a chance okay?" she asked concerned.

"Okay, I'll be over when I'm done!" I answered trying to sound happy.

Which apparently didn't work, she saw right through it.

"Just try? I know...." she started concerned, but I interrupted. "I'm fine... I'll be there soon."

I said flatly, trying not to cry. Hanging up the phone, I knew to give in. I know Kate, I know she won't let me give up. Her, Lane and Gram won't ever let me give up, even if I'm truly only holding on by a thread.

I was laying on my bed, my head on my forearms out in front of me, with tears streaming, I must of fallen asleep.

"Carly?" Kate tried to wake me.

"Hmmmm?" I answered softly

"Talk to me.... stop avoiding me.... please?" she asked softly, caressing my hair.

"I just...... I thought he was different...I wanted him to be different Kate... I needed him to be different, but... I guess he's not..."I answered softly, letting the tears fall. She hugged me so hard and just let me cry. "I just wanted to be normal, to fell something normal, to feel at all, I'm just so tired of feeling like this... I don't think I'll be much company... y'all should just go and..." I finally stopped crying.

"Not a chance, lets get you ready while I throw your stuff in some bags!" she interrupted matter-of-factly!

I gave her a small smile as I headed for the shower to compose myself.