Worth Living For

Chapter 18

~Gerard’s P.O.V.~

I ran after Frank as long as I could, but I had never been athletic, and I eventually lost him. In the middle of the sidewalk, I fell to my knees. Everyone seemed to look at me when I did, but continued on with their lives like what was happening was normal. They weren’t feeling the pain I was, so of course they would just turn their heads away.

After I had built up some strength, I trudged back to my house. I found Delilah pacing the living room, and she looked at me with a scared expression as I entered.

“What the fuck is going on?” I asked her. The door clicked shut behind me, but I didn’t move from where I was standing.

“I...I d-don’t know.” she stuttered.

“I know that you fucking know what just happened, Delilah!” I screamed, throwing a book that had been on the table next to me at the wall. “Tell me what’s going on!”

Delilah jumped back. “Okay, just fucking calm down, alright?” she took a deep breath, and I stood in front of her, waiting for an explanation. “I met Frank at this little cafe across town...I thought he was your Frank but I wasn’t sure. I helped him once when he needed me, and I gave him my address in case he needed me again. I mentioned having a roommate, but never said any names.” she choked on tears.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell him? Why were you trying to keep this a secret? Why couldn’t you just tell us?” I took deep breaths, trying to calm down.

“I don’t know, Gerard!” she screamed, then quieted as she repeated it in a whisper. “I don’t know.”

“You ruined everything!” I yelled as loud as I could. “I lost him! He’s fucking gone, Delilah!”

“You could go to him, you could explain-”

“And you think he’ll listen?! Are you stupid? I live with a woman, when I was supposed to be with him? How would you feel if your boyfriend lived with another woman? Think about it! That’s how he feels right now!” I sighed. “I know that this situation is different, that us living together is not how he thinks. But think about how it looks, Delilah. Think about how it looks to him. You should have explained it to him. You knew he would come here sooner or later. You think he would have been cool with it? His boyfriend living with his new best friend? What the fuck were you thinking!”

“I know...” she whispered, nodding. “I-I’m sorry.”

“You should be.” I said quietly, pushing past her and walking to my bedroom, slamming the door as hard as I could.

“FUCK!” I screamed, throwing anything that was near me against the walls. I took my anger out on everything around me until I had used up all my strength. I eventually collapsed onto my bed, exhausted. I didn’t know what the fuck to do anymore.

~

“Gerard, you need to get out of bed.”

Delilah continued to bang her fist on the door. She had been doing this every few hours for the past two days. She didn’t walk into the room without being invited in, because she knew that I liked my privacy, and that had been my biggest rule when she moved in with me. I was glad that she still followed the rule, even in this situation.

“Come on, Gerard. Fuck.” she wiggled the door knob, threatening to come in,but I knew she wouldn’t.

“I. Don’t. Want. To.” I stated for the tenth time.

“You need to get out of that bedroom. You haven’t had coffee, you haven’t made art, you haven’t even made an effort to explain things to Frank...things aren’t going to get better unless you do something.” she explained.

“I don’t have that strength to just do something, Delilah. You need to understand. It’s not that fucking easy.”

“Listen, Gerard. If you get up and take a shower and drink some coffee, I’ll go to Frank’s with you. I’ll pay for a taxi to get us there, and we’ll go up to his apartment together. I’ll be there with you. I’ll be your support system, and if anything happens and you can’t handle it, I’ll take you home. You just need to try, Gerard.” she sighed. “Remember what I told you after the interview? I told you that you needed to try. And when you finally did, everything went amazing. You got the guy. You just need to try again, Gerard. You need to try to fix things.”

I was silent.

“Please.”

I didn’t say anything, and eventually she left the door and gave up. I wanted to give up. I had wanted to give up before. I had been so close. And then Frank came along.

But now he was gone, and it would be even easier. I would have a legitimate excuse this time.

~

After hours of arguing with myself in my head, I finally decided to listen to Delilah. I got dressed, and I walked out of my bedroom.

Delilah snapped her head back immediately when the door clicked open, and a smile spread across her face as we locked eyes. She jumped off the couch and skipped into the kitchen, and a cup of coffee was made for me before I could even make it into the room.

She sat with me on the couch, and we drank coffee in silence. When I was finished, I was thinking of getting another cup to waste more time, but she figured out my plan and pulled me out the door before I got the chance.

The air was clear and fresh outside, and I breathed it into my lungs slowly, trying to appreciate it the best I could. Delilah pulled me into a taxi with her, and before I knew it, we were across town and standing in front of Frank’s apartment building.

We walked up the multiple flights of stairs, and we stood side by side in front of his door. I remembered the last time I was here, and wished that I could go back to then. I wish I would have told him about Delilah so there wouldn’t have been confusion and he wouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. It wasn’t his fault though, and I hoped he didn’t think it was. It was my fault. Everything that had happened had been my fault.

Delilah lifted her arm, and I tried to grab it before her knuckles hit the door, but I wasn’t fast enough. The sound of wood against bone echoed through the empty hallway and rang in my ears.

No one opened the door. And after five minutes of waiting, I gave up hope. Like you had had any in the first place.

Delilah knocked again, and again, and again. She eventually resorted to trying the doorknob, which was obviously not going to get us in.

But it did.

My heart jumped out of my chest, but not because we were finally inside. It was because his door had been unlocked. Anyone could have walked in and hurt him. If he doesn’t let his doors do the job of keeping him safe, I want to be here every night to do the job from now on.

The door swung open, and Delilah stepped in. She turned and gestured to me to follow her, and I slowly stepped inside after her. She smiled and continued to tiptoe inside.

“Frank?” she said quietly into the silence.

There was a slight noise coming from one of the rooms, and Delilah stood silently for a minute before walking toward one of the doors and raising her arm to knock.

“Frank? Are you in there?”

There was no noise in response this time, and Delilah pushed the door open.

Frank was sitting on his bed with his back to the door, his front facing the large window on the other side of the room. He was shirtless and only wearing boxers. The blankets were tangled up underneath him and across the expanse of the bed. He didn’t turn when we walked in, he didn’t move an inch. He just continued to stare out the window.

“Frank.” Delilah whispered, stepping closer to the bed. I stayed in the doorway. “Frank, are you okay?” He’s obviously not okay, Delilah. Why the fuck are you asking him such a dumbass question.

Frank didn’t move or say a word. Delilah stepped closer and stopped when she reached the bed. She moved in front of him, between him and the window, and kneeled down on the floor so she was almost level with his face.

“Frank. Frank, we need to talk.”

Frank didn’t respond.

“Frank, please say something.”

“What do you want me to say?” he whispered almost inaudibly.

Delilah sighed. “I don’t know, Frank...just listen?”

Frank’s head moved slightly, and she took that to be a nod.

“Gerard and I...we aren’t together. We’ve never had any relations like you think we do. We are best friends, but that’s it. Nothing more. I have a boyfriend that lives out of state, and Gerard...well, he obviously doesn’t like girls. We’ve never even thought about being together in that way. We live together, but as best friends.” she paused. “Frank, I’m sorry for not telling you before. I knew that you would have misunderstood. It’s not your fault, though! I promise, it’s not your fault. You didn’t know. It’s okay.” she reached forward to put her hand on his arm. “It’s okay, Frank. Please don’t cry.”

“I-I just...I thought I l-lost him.” Frank stuttered, starting to sob. “Is he mad at me? He’s mad at me isn’t he. Tell him I’m sorry. I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. Please, tell him how sorry I am.” He doesn’t even know I’m standing behind him. Oops.

“Why don’t you tell him yourself?” Delilah asked, looking over Frank’s shoulder at me.

Frank didn’t turn to look back, probably from fear. Instead, I walked over to where Delilah was kneeled down on the floor. She stood up and moved away, and I took her place in front of Frank. She patted my shoulder, kissed the top of Frank’s head, and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

“I-I didn’t...I didn’t know-”

“Shh, Frank. It’s okay.”

“I-I’m sor-” he started sobbing violently, and I got up and wrapped my arms around his shaking body. I sat on the bed next to him, holding him tightly to my chest.

“It’s okay, Frank. I forgive you. Don’t cry. Shh, don’t cry. It’s okay.” I rocked him back and forth slowly, running my hand through his hair.

After a while, he slipped out of my arms and sat up to look at me. It wasn’t until then that I realized how awful he looked. His eyes were red and puffy from lack of sleep and crying. His face was red as well, and his hair was all over the place. He was still beautiful. He just looked so...so fucking sad. My heart ached, knowing that I was the reason for the pain he was feeling.

Frank sat there for a while, just staring at me. Then, out of nowhere, he leaned forward and kissed me. He was very quick, barely a peck on the lips, but it was still a kiss. And that spark, that flame...it lit up in me once again. It made my fingers twitch, and I suddenly wanted that paintbrush in my fingers more than ever. I didn’t want to leave Frank, though. I wouldn’t leave him for anything. Painting could wait.

“Are you okay?” I asked him.

He nodded. “Gerard?”

“Yes?”

“Can...can you...” he started to cry again, and I grabbed his hand. “Please promise me that you’ll never leave.”

“Oh, Frank.” I pulled him back into my arms, rocking him back and forth again. “I’d never leave you. I promise. Don’t cry, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m never going anywhere.”