bloom

II (pause)

▷ feel free to skip, this is just me and my backstory.

as i just passed the fiftieth chapter, i wanted to give a sort of introduction to myself. i'm sure as you read through these messages, you see my little messages at the bottom where i complain about stupid things. but mostly, i wanted to explain why i'm doing the things i do and why i'm writing this book, and mainly, who i am. what brought this up.

WAIT! if you would like to continue, please know that i talk about subjects that are triggering, like death and suicide! please do not continue if it is not something that you are not comfortable with!

—THE REASONS TO LIVE are little reasons that i've been writing on my own in a little notebook that i have kept by my bedside. and if it wasn't obvious, the reason i have been doing this is because for some reason, i've always thought: i want to die. really, why do i want to die when everything is okay in my life? why do i want to die when my parents love me, when my friends love me, when i'm getting good grades, and my life is perfectly normal? believe me, i don't know the answer to that question either. i wish i knew. and i've been thinking these kinds of things since i was 12 or 13.

it escalated a lot more after someone who was very close to me passed away. she was one of my best friends, and then she was gone. we ended up in different schools so i barely met up with her, and to this day, i still think maybe i could have done something to stop her. i became more insecure afterwards; thinking "was i not a good enough friend?" or "am i so conceited that i didn't worry about my friend who needed help and instead cared only about myself?" of course, my parents (and even two of my friends) told me to get over myself and stop thinking about it. so i tried my best. i (figuratively) drowned myself in studying and schoolwork, poring over books and over-stressing about exams and math equations that didn't make sense. which is the way i am now, freaking out about a test weeks before it happens or having a breakdown when my grade goes anywhere below an 80.

i live in a family where depression isn't considered to be a "big deal." my mom, as someone who has experienced it firsthand with her own parents having it, says it can go away by "talking to your mom and telling her everything going on in your life." my father is probably unaware that i push myself to the limit. and because of my upbringing, i do end up pushing myself to unreasonable limits. yes, i am guilty of that. additionally, panic attacks are the worst, and i have too much experience with them—i try to minimize being panicky during school, but when i'm in my house, i may be writing a paper for school and immediately break down and start crying. so, maybe that's why i want to die.

—BUT, I'M NOT WRITING THIS FOR READERS TO PITY ME. the reason i brought up my suicidal thoughts and my deteriorating mental health is because i wanted to show that sometimes, the smallest things matter and can bring you back into your safe haven. i have found things that are slowly bringing me back on my feet, things that make me feel safe and comfortable and calm. 

music is one of those things. i have always been a musical person, since the age of 5, and have played piano for almost 12 years. but as any normal person, i am a huge music listener. i started off with the general pop and hiphop craze that was part of any kid's childhood, and slowly gravitated to slower, calmer songs, and kpop when my friend introduced me in 2012. now, kpop is something that has become life-changing. i don't like advertising my like for kpop because i've gotten a lot of shit for it, and it's not a cure for depression, but listening to some of my favorite kpop artists made me feel like i'm not alone, and that i always have something to fall back to when i want to feel safe. my favorite kpop artists right now are exo, the rose, day6, and stray kids, and english pop/hiphop/chill music (idk there are so many genres now) are sam smith, ruel, and keshi. 

writing is another thing. i write on my main account -luxanne , and while it's mainly fiction, immersing myself in another world allows me to stop thinking about how awful i'm feeling and just have fun with my characters and the words. it's somewhere i can go where i don't feel like i'll be judged by myself or others.

and lastly, i love being someone who is there for others. from a very young age, i have wanted to go into the medical field to take care of others and be a helping hand as they continue on in life and ensure that they make healthful decisions. mental health is a large aspect of that. i haven't had many people in my life who raise me up, and while i do have some very loving friends, a lot of others don't. and so i hope by writing some uplifting messages, someone will come upon this book and see it and i can bring a smile on their face. it's a little naive, but i want everyone to be happy.

—THE GIST OF THIS IS that i have my own problems, and everyone has theirs as well. from mine, i am striving to do better, become better, and focus on helping others. and while the thoughts may never disappear, and while i break down often (actually, i had one just a few hours before writing this), and while i'm never able to sleep because of my thoughts, i'm still here, and i hope that anyone who reads this knows that i'm here for them. there's so many people i appreciate that i don't want to leave, and people that i constantly offer support to, like TortelliniLeg, seokseokies, LGBTSFRIENDLY, ARTSYMINHO, and so many others, mutuals or irls or anywhere in between. and even you, reader, who is trying to get through the day without crying because of something that happened, and i understand how you feel. always remember, i am here for you, and will always be here when you need me. (people will be tagged in the comments section as well).

remember to stay hydrated, stretch a little, eat some food, get some sleep, take breaks throughout the day, and find a way to smile a little every day. remember, i love you no matter what ♡

- daze