— the pain that a loving mother gave to you, had become youre fear.
1 ; philo
I was always a top student. And my mom was my only parent. We lived normally, a normal home, and a normal lifestyle. But my mom didnt like that. She was a gold digger. All she cared about was money. For me, it was fine. I loved seeing my mom being happy, and it blinded me into thinking she actually cared about me.
My mom always had me enrolling on prestigious schools that can asure a great future, so i always studied. That lead me to never having friends. I was an outcast at all the schools i ever went. They would insult my mom and it always lead me to fighting back. It gave a major fall on my conduct, and scared me. I promised myself to always get high marks so that my mom would praise me more, and so that i can help her earn more money in the future.
I didnt know what was wrong with my mind back then. After the insulting and my conduct, i gained depression. My mom never noticed my pain, and i never gave her my report card. Thats when i started thinking,
my mom cared about money more than her own daughter.
Because of my depression, i became distracted and started getting lower scores.
I got less sleep because of studying. My depression became severe because of me getting lower scores, until i hit rockbottom.
All of the hardships that i made, the cramming, the insulting, all of that, and my mom was just with some random men.
When my mom finally came back after the exams, she reeked of alcohol. I was worried for my mom, but she only came back asking for my report card. It scared me, i didnt want my mom to be angry. I was shaking. Just the thought of my mom getting angry at me gave me shivers.
I didnt have a choice, i gave it to her,
and she gave me the worst experience ever.
The feeling of a loving mother...?
She was just acting. She just wanted my future. Ever since she would treat me badly, And i felt betrayed. When i thought that she truly loved me, she only saw me as a pathetic child. She never wanted to give birth to me.
I lost my dignity.
i dont wanna love anymore.
I dont trust anyone anymore.
im afraid.
How does it feel to love?
I dont remember.
One things for sure,
its terrifying.
My names kim boon,
20 years old, second year in college,
and im afraid of love.
—philophobia
• the fear of falling in love
