— my introvercies had eaten every ounch of my being. Forceful parents, Social Influencers. I was told to follow their footsteps, but dealing with crowds to hear your speech has become more than a fear for me. The pressure they gave lead me to never speak again.
3 ; verbo
I was only a child back then. I was always indoors. I liked painting and such. But my artistry was never praised by my parents.
They forced me to go outside and talk to people. But being alone had always gave me peace of mind. Outside, the beautiful lines scattered. My emotions were based on what i draw. My older sister was the only one that noticed my creativity. Just like me, she was forced to follow the footsteps of our parents, but we never got the chance to idolize them and to see its worth. They just took us and put us on a stage filled with cameras. My older sister had experience, so she was comfortable with the situation. She lived more years than me, so she felt more pain and pressure.
Me on the other hand was plain frozen. Shards of ice stabbed me and kept me from talking and moving. The flashing and clicking of cameras frightened me. The stares of unpatient people withered upon me.
It was a nightmare. A memory that will never be forgotten. Because that moment was what made me today.
In the end, i couldnt move nor talk, even just one syllable. I was just frozen. My mind was blanked out. It seemed simple, like stage fright...but i was traumatized.
After that, we went back home. I knew what was coming for me. Me and my older sister had dealt with it ever since. My father abuses me. We practice at home, and when i make a mistake a punch was always expected. And it really happened. He punched me on the abdomen, filled with anger and embarrassment. My older sister was the only one that got praised...Well, of course! Shes amazing after all! I was frozen but she backed me up, and told all kinds of positive things to the crowd.
I idolized her.
She was a shining beam on the thick dark atmosphere. The influencing happens daily. My sister gets praised, while im treated like trash. It was an everyday cycle of praise and patheticness. She was always worried about me, and pitied herself for not helping me. She always stayed by my side, painting or not. She always knew right away when i was happy or sad, because she was always beside me.
I wanted our bonding to go through forever. No matter how much pain i was in.
But the next day...she died.
I didnt know what to do. Without her my life would be meaningless. She was the only hope to keep our familys footsteps going. But after her death, they were all in despair. I thought a lot of things back there also. I thought that, what about me? Im your son so why not choose me to keep the family going? But i realized, that my family had already given up on me.
That i never mattered anymore.
The realization shot a bullet in me.
My sister, My idol had left me.
My family had abandoned me.
It was my fault, I didnt listen to them.
It was my familys fault, they kept forcing both of us. It was the influencings fault.
If only such a thing never happened, we couldve been a happy family.
i went up to my parents, opened my mouth, and spoke...But i couldnt talk.
My names Lee Min Soo,
19 years old, first year in college,
and im afraid of talking
—verbophobia
• the fear of talking.
