- everything was going well. everyone was singing. distracted by the tints of music, we all went through a tragic accident. i learned a valueble lesson. it was all my fault. if i werent that happy, everything would have been okay.
2 ; chero
A glismp of my past every minute before i wake up. The past that i never wanted to see again keeps coming back to me. I who force myself to be depressed and always think of negative thoughts had become a habit. I wanted to keep the people who were important to me to be safe. So i decided to be filled with negativity with every inch of a second. Its a childish decision that i made. But i thought that it would keep the people i care about to be safe. But then again, i went back to reality and found out that the people i cared about, never cared about me. They gave negative remarks about me for being creepy, and left me in isolation. I've dealt with it for seven years. The isolation and glares that everyone gave me.
It was normal for me.
Now im in my first year of college. Its filled with growing adults thats willing to give up on sleeping just to ace and get a better future. When theres a big test coming up, they cram. When theres a celebration, we celebrate...Though, i am not a part of it.
Im anxious about it. What if i were to go to those celebrations? What if i had fun?
Wouldnt it be the end for everyone?
If i were to have fun, bad luck will come sworming in. And if it did, its the end for everyone. When its worth smiling for, i force myself not to smile. When its worth laughing at, i force myself not to laugh.
Instead, i smile and laugh on the inside.
And even though i said it was true, they would say that im lying and that i should just stop trying. Forcing myself was the only way to keep them safe...But this time it just hurts. The insults, me being isolated from others, and their glares at me referring as an annoyance.
Its like theyre telling me to stop living.
I want to change. But i cant. They might get affected because of me.
I dont want innocent people getting hurt because of me.
Or...Am i just thinking for myself...?
My names Choi Ji,
19 years old, first year in college,
and im afraid of being happy.
-cherophobia
• the fear of being happy
