Things Unsaid

Chasing Life

Isn't it funny how life happens? One minute you can be totally okay, living life at it's fullest, and doing better than ever before, and the next you're out of luck and practically dying?

That's exactly how I felt about being in the doctor's office that day. I've been in that room once or twice every year for physicals, flu shots, and winter colds growing up, but now that smiling face and those silly questions didn't apply in topic. Heck, I didn't even get a sticker.

"Angie has cancer, which you are all aware of, but the extremes of details really is what makes this as serious as it is. Most cases of this strand of leukemia end fatal, and due to it's rareness to begin with, there isn't necessarly a given cure."

I watched my family crumble to pieces. It was horrible.

"On the contrary, Angie is a fighter, and due to her being so young and all, the likeliness of surviving through with the help of at least a month of chemotherapy is a lot stronger than the average adult. Her age may be unfortunate to this disease, but it just may be what saves her."

They tried to keep it together, but I still saw the fighting of tears. My own tears bubbled up in my eyes, just waiting to erupt when my heavy eyelids could possibly hold no more.

"What's the next step?" I asked. It was a question my entire family was thinking, but it felt better coming out of my mouth instead. My cancer, my responsibility, and one less thing for them to worry about.

"Well, typically we would take you straight into chemo for a month and make sure that you're stabilized. If all goes well through that, we'll take actions accordingly from there. It'll be a month in the chemo department of the hospital, but meal plan and everything is covered for you."

As much as I wanted to get better, even under the circumstances, I hated the idea of being in a stuffy hospital for a month. No school. No normal life. Death everywhere. Tubes and medications galore. Wasn't this the point of my life when I should figure out my life after high school and choose colleges? It hurt to see my teen-aged life disappear in front of my very own eyes.

"But of course, we all have to be certain that these steps are to be taken. It's highly recommended that you go through with this, but as a doctor, I cannot force you into this."

My parents watched me closely. They knew that there was no way I would want to go through with this and miss my life in the meantime, but my eyes were opening, and doing whatever it took to stay healthy seemed like a good idea.

"I'll do it. If it can help me potentially get better, then I'll do it."

They gave a slight smile. It confirmed that they thought I chose the right thing. Honestly, all I could do was hope. 

There's always hope.

Anyway, I couldn't help but shed a tear, but it was quickly wiped away. This was the life I had to chase, and all the fate and destiny in the world was never going to change that. Giving up is never an action. Staying strong is the choice I had to make, and there's never a guarantee that it'll be easy, but it's always worth it. It wasn't much long after my decision that I watched through blurry eyes my parents signing paperwork and talking over the procedures and such with the doctor. Perhaps, I should have been listening, but sometimes listening isn't worth it.

Sometimes, it's just better to think it through and realize for yourself that for whatever cost, everything is worth everything in the end. Cancer did bring death to my front door, but it didn't matter. My eyes were finally open to truly live.

It became the time for chasing my life.