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Agnosia

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TRISTAN

October 2, 2017

"Vision disorder. Mayro'n palang gano'n?

Tristan told me the truth. About his  condition. Kanina, nangyari na naman ang insidente, just like what happened a couple of months ago.  He gave me that strange look. Nagtaka ako nang hanapin niya ako habang naglilinis ako roon. Hinanap niya si Ameera sa akin din mismo.

I didn't know what to do. Natakot ako. Lumabas ako sa kusina kung saan nagreready ang mga kasambahay. He called out my name again. He was looking to all of us like he's searching for someone. He looks so frustrated. And scared.

Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa kaniya. Pero I care for him at sapat 'yun para puntahan siya sa kuwarto niya. I wanted to understand him. Naabutan ko siyang nakaupo sa sulok ng kama, takip-takip ang mukha.

Tahimik akong lumapit sa kanya and automatically, he backed out. He was crying. Asking me what I want. It's the first time I saw him so fragile. I decided to sit in front him as I talk. I asked him if he's hurt and what I could do for him. He immediately called out my name then hugged me. Realizing it was me. Asking why I don't look the same. Why my hair is different and my clothes, too. Now I know why he's so strict about how  I should tie my hair and what clothes to wear. Even the perfume to use.

I tried to explain and apologize. He just said the sound of my voice just saved him.

He needed care and so I gave it to him. It wasn't hard because I love him. And I'm ready to give him what he needs.

*****

"Tristan."

Nagulat ako nang biglang lumabas si Ameera galing ng banyo. Ang babaeng may-ari ng binabasa kong diary.

"You're reading my journal again," she said, a little offended according to her tone.

"I'm sorry," apology ko though 'di naman ako talagang sorry sa ginawa ko.

"You really shouldn't do that. It's a private thing," sabi niyang lumapit sa pwesto ko saka itinabi ang diary niya sa drawer then locked it. "May... kailangan ka ba?" Alanganin nitong tanong sa akin.

Right. I'm inside her bedroom.

"Maybe you should get dressed first," utos ko.

I silently watched her wrapped her robe around her, suddenly conscious.

"You can wait for me outside." Taboy nito sakin.

Nag -alangan ako at di agad kumilos. I don't like seeing her like this dahil di ko s'ya makilala. Her hair is wrapped inside her towel. Her bangs, hanging on her forehead. I don't smell her perfume and she's not wearing the clothes I gave her.

"You know I won't even bother look because I won't see the way I see you, right? Not like this," I reminded her.

She sighs. Tumalikod ito para kumuha ng mga damit sa wardrobe niya saka nagtago sa divider as I sat on her chair beside her drawer.

I sigh myself and curse my condition as I close my eyes. I can't help but blame it especially when all I want is to watch her. Really watch her. See her naturally. Sleeping. In the pool. Even now. But how can I look at her when my eyes can't even see what she really looks like? If what I see is what everyone else see.