How Did I Ever Love You?

Chapter 7: A Disappointment

England's pov

Almost a month has passed, and once again nothing has changed. I don't know if it's selfish or not, but I want France and I to be closer to each other. I need to tell him how much I love him before I lose it... Even though he claimed we're together he sure doesn't act like it. I tried brushing it off, but he kinda treats me like trash to be honest. He always tried to make it clear that he's never really cared about anyone else's feelings, yet he always wants support from me. But sometimes France would show the side I love to see, a side of him that does care about others, and wants to help me when I need it. He doesn't show it often, in fact I'm starting to think that side of him barely exists anymore... I was texting Korea and somehow the topic came up.

England: I kinda wish he'd pay more attention to me sometimes... is that selfish of me?

Korea: of course not! If you two are dating, he should be paying attention to you and treating to well!

England: oh okay...

Korea: you know if you want, I could tell him how you feel if you're too nervous to

"Wait this could be good..."

England: Well you can if you want

Korea: Okay. But please don't beat yourself up about it. You've done nothing wrong.

I smiled a little bit as I read the messages, Korea and I'd had become pretty close friends ever the past weeks, and actually helped me out a lot. Of course I'd never explain what goes through my head everyday. I've heard that him and Japan have been together for a while too, and they seem so happy. I hope me and France could be like that one day.... I put my phone off to the side and sat down to do the third out of five homework papers I had to do. By doing them, I meant I stared at the words and zoned out, refusing to work on them. I would go my Dad to help me, but he can get really frustrated when I don't understand something... In the end, I filled out at least two questions and put the papers in the folder I brought back and forth from home and school. It'll be fine...

A few days later

I can't get a fricken break... So I gave myself one, ignoring my homework again and laying on my bed again. While doing this, I heard my phone buzz with a text. When I picked it up to read it, my eyes widened.

France: hey. Korea said that you felt like I wasn't paying enough attention to you? If that's true, what does that mean?

I didn't know what to say. I did give Korea permission to talk to France for me, but half of my mind thought that he wouldn't bother. And I sure as hell didn't think I'd get here! I just stared at the screen, not knowing what to respond with, so when in doubt, just use three dots. France responded with question marks.

"Genius me..." I muttered to myself, slapping my face a bit. I took a deep breath and just went for it.

England: Yes... And I guess I'll just tell you... I love you so much! I really do!! I wanted you to know how much

I waited for a moment, and prepared myself for the worst. but preparing doesn't do much for me anyway.

France: UM.... This is a bit awkward...

England: What do you mean?

France: I kinda... Like another guy...

My heart shattered into a thousand pieces, and my eyes stung as I felt tears begin form. I didn't know what to say... I thought me and France had something! I thought we would be together forever! We even talked about it... Talked about what we would do once were older, and what we'd do now even, but I guess that's out the window now. I started at the words in disbelief as the overwhelming silence in the room felt defining on my ears. I couldn't just say nothing though...

England: Oh... Really...?

France: Yeah

England: Who?

France: I don't know if I want to say

England: Just tell me

France: Okay... I like Spain

Oh... Of course... OF FUCKING COURSE! France always talked better about him, always talked about how close they were! Having absolutely no shame around me! I wanted to go off into a rant, but I held it in.

England: Oh okay...

France: You alright?

England: Yeah it's fine really! (Sorry if that sounded sarcastic it's not)

France: K

France: Hey listen I gtg bye

England: Bye

I sat there frozen for a few minutes, scrolling back and re-reading the messages. The silence broke when I burst out sobbing, covering my mouth to make sure my parents didn't hear though. I laid down and hugged a pillow tightly, burying my face into it and crying harder. After a few seconds of this, I stood up and sat down next to the mirror and looked at myself. I felt a mixture sadness and rage as I hit myself in the head.

"You're pathetic! How did you think anyone would love you! You knew from the start that you were sick! And how could you love someone the same gender as you anyway?! The world is gonna look down on you now, is this how you want to live, you failure!? Just kill yourself already!" I could barley see my own reflection so I just stared at the ground, accidentally biting my tongue through uncontrollable sobs, making it bleed but I didn't care about it. I then just laid on the floor, insulting myself every few seconds.

"Just a disappointment..." I muttered as I covered my eyes in shame, even though nobody else was in the room to see me like this  Sighing, I stood up and laughed almost involuntarily.

"Look at you... Getting upset like a little bitch about something irreverent when you still have work to do... Like I said, pathetic..." I crossed my arms sat down, looking at the long list of questions I still had to answer on my homework sheet and smiled, but it felt like no emotions showed.

"You have this class tomorrow... Get started..."

*Seesh this is a long one. And damn this gave me flashbacks o-0*