How Did I Ever Love You?

Chapter 30: Someday

England's pov

I was outside and singing just about every song I could think of. Mostly Fake Love, Rolling Girl, and My Demons. Just a few of my favorites! All the while I kept thinking about Japan, not really understanding why I still loved him so much. It still hurt me to think that he might already love somebody already, but there was nothing I could do...

I remembered when one day, I stupidly told France about it, his response wasn't really what I expected. The first words he replied with were "well that's not good". When I asked why, he went on to explain that I shouldn't love him because I never leave the house, therefore I never see anyone. Then said that I'm only in love with the part of him that helps and texts me. Whether that was true or not, I didn't care.

France actually still talked to me for a while after I started homeschooling. I heard him and Spain finally got together, that became the only thing he talked about. He occasionally would rub in the fact that he was taken and I wasn't in my face, I never really understood his point though.

Before, I would only talk to him if he texted first, then he just stopped all together. Not sure if that's good or bad, but it's whatever.

"God, what happened to you?" I whispered as I threw a rock across the yard. It broke my heart to see France change so much, I wish I could've done something, I really did used to love him. He used to mean everything to me, I would live and die for him, take so much abuse for him. Yet he wouldn't even listen to me if I wanted help. I didn't care anymore, he doesn't matter to me anymore.

"I still need help though..." I thought back to what Japan said, how it would be best if I went to counseling or therapy of some sort. I'll tell my parents, eventually, why does it have to be now? I was gonna do it, I wouldn't let Japan down like that, unlike France, he does mean something to me, so much...

And yes, I still have "those" dreams every now and then, I don't want them to go away... Even if it's not real, just knowing that there's some kind of different world where I see how love feels, I'll take it.

"Japan... Someday... Someday I'll tell you. You don't have to feel the same. But at least you'll know."

_________

It took hours, and almost the entire note book was filled up. I don't know why I suddenly felt the urge to write down my damn life story, but at least it's there. I realized I left quite a lot out, but it's okay, it's not like I'm showing it to anyone. My cat jumped on my bed and I immediately hugged him. This poor cat... He goes through so much yet he comes back to see me. Maybe that's what love is?

I went to the last page of the book, tearing off the corner. I haven't done it in a while, but I put the piece of paper in my mouth, smiling as I had forgotten what it tasted like.

"Reminds me of ten page essays, projects, and sleepless nights!" I laughed as I remembered how everyone said I was gonna get poisoned and die if I kept eating paper, maybe they're right? I heard Mom calling my name, so I stood up and placed the notebook in one of my many drawers, though not before I re-read the last line I wrote. It made me smile, even if I wrote it in with sadness.

"Someday... maybe..."