How Did I Ever Love You?

Chapter 24: I Don't Need It

England's pov

For a while now, Japan has been the one who I like talking with. I know he's not pretending to listen because he actually gives me advice based off what I say. It felt so strange, he doesn't have to care about me, but yet he does. Of course I haven't gone into too much detail about my feelings towards France, which are still pretty complicated... In fact, France is probably getting worse, but lately I've responded to him with really short texts. Even one worded ones if I can. I shook my head and laughed as I was bombarded with memories of a few months ago.

"How did I ever love you...?" I muttered as I continued writing back to Japan. That was a real question, it truly confused me as to how I ever wanted to be with that guy. Thinking back, he was never the greatest to me, always discounting my thoughts and brushing me off. Half me wanted to forget it, the other half wanted to remember it forever. I didn't share this with Japan, he didn't have to know. After all, France is nice to him, and I wouldn't want Japan's thoughts about him to be altered by me.

Japan: Have you ever considered going to counseling of some sort?

England: My parents would worry about me though...

When I read the message, I slapped the idea out of my head. I didn't need any therapy! In fact I didn't even need help, I'm just letting Japan talk because I don't wanna make him feel bad... Yeah, that's it... I felt any happiness I had in me slowly slip away again as we continued.

"Am I really that messed up? Everyone says I'm normal though... They're right!" I felt a headache coming on and sighed in annoyance. Eventually, the conversation turn drastically.

Japan: Okay but can I ask something

England: Sure

Japan: Have you come out to your parents yet?

England: What!? No!

I completely forgot about that. I didn't know if I needed to, but don't they kinda have a right to know...? Though as far as I see it, no good could come from it. If they don't disown me, they'll forever look at me different, and I despise the thought of that. This topic went on for a while until I think Japan got the point that I wasn't planning on telling my parents any time soon. He had to go, which made me sad because I enjoy at least talking with a friend in general. I considered him my only friend at this point. Yes there was America, but he does his own thing so often that he haven't seen each other in so long... Why would I hold out for someone who never talks to me? I laid down a hug my cat, petting him until he he got bored and left. I started getting thoughts that I didn't want to have in my head, which made me want to publicly shame myself.

"You idiot! Japan already has a boyfriend anyway!" I said to myself loudly, gently hitting my head on the wall. I couldn't like him... Why would I?! Even if he wasn't already dating someone, why would I like him? Yeah he's nice to me, always wants to listen, practically the only person who doesn't brush me off all the time. But that's just being a good person I guess, so why would I see it as anything else. He wouldn't feel the same anyway, I'd feel sorry for him if he did. Bring stuck with someone like me would suck, I would know. Because I'm stuck with me.