How Did I Ever Love You?

Chapter 10: But I Still Love You...

England's pov

Even if France hurt me a little, I still love him... I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but yet I still do. Although I know that if I try to get him to love me again it's only going to result in more pain, that's why I think it's better if I just don't try. I haven't had the urge to hurt myself in a while, so I guess that's good? That doesn't mean I don't still feel sad, but at least it's not all the time. France did text me today, one thing lead to another, and we started talking about how he's doing with depression and stuff. I felt horrible for him, I keep trying to help, but I just can't for some reason. It's like he doesn't want me to... I was exhausted, I hadn't slept for at least a day and now I'm staying up even longer so I could keep talking with France. Maybe it would do something? 

After a while, I slipped up and started mentioning how I've been feeling for a while, I then thought about how selfish it was. I should be helping him, not adding my own dumb problems to the mix. It was too late though... He started acting concerned, and no matter how many times I tried to say I don't wanna talk about it, France kept insisting I do, and even if it's a long story he'll listen. I eventually broke and said I would, although I put in that fact that it'll take a minute for me to write the whole thing, even though that minute was around five...

France: Uhhh... You still there?

England: Okay done. It started at least a few months ago (could be longer I dunno) but remember when my old friends left me? I think that's when things started going downhill. I started hating myself, wishing that I could just die with no consequences

England: I started having horrible nightmares for weeks. Mostly based off things that have happened, or I'm afraid will happen. Mostly you or anyone else I care about disappearing or forgetting me... I know it's stupid, but I can't stop thinking about it 

England: Somewhere along the lines, they stopped being dreams and more like thoughts that go in and out of my head that I can't control. It's hard to explain, but it's kinda like daydreaming except they just appear in my mind at anytime and it can have any effect on how I feel

England: Then uh... The cutting thing started, I hate it, but at least I haven't done it in a while. A way I could describe could be, it makes me feel stronger. Like because I don't cry because of it, people would be proud of me... But now I don't really know what to do, and sorry for bothering you with this. Probably a waste of time right?

It took a second for France responded back, and the least I could say was that it made me smile a bit.

France: Wow uh... Okay that's a lot. But if it's makes you feel better I could try to find something to help you if you want?

England: That would be nice but you really don't have to

France: No I still will, but I have to go for now bye

England: Bye

I can't say I wasn't a little relived when France ended the conversation, because it meant I could finally sleep. Even if it was 3 am...