forgetting me

25

New York City
July 15th, 2002

John sent Lainie into the other room so the father and son could speak in private.

William sat down on the sofa, and immediately he started doubting his decision to invite his father to come live with him in New York. He'd wanted to be alone, and now his father and daughter were living with him. Of course, William wasn't much of a dad. Lainie didn't even know John wasn't her biological father.

William would have been completely content with staring into space and not speaking for the rest of eternity, but his father had a different idea.

"Will. Come on. Speak with me."

John had sat down next to William, and he was expecting answers.

"Why did you run?" he asked. William closed his eyes. Of course that was his father's first question. The hardest one to answer. Explaining to Lainie had been hard enough, and he hadn't even really told her. "Was it your paranoia? Did someone hurt you?"

William chuckled. It was funny how John was now asking questions that had such an obvious answer, after asking the hardest one to answer.

"No, it wasn't the PPD. I can recognize my paranoia now, and I can overcome it. But your damn wife hurt me, drugging me when you were gone one night, and she hurt you, too. I ran because I don't want you to worry about me and my screwed up brain. It's been telling me god-awful things for a few years now, constantly reminding me of the pain I gave poor Elle. And the pain I put you through, and how much I hurt everyone around me, without even realizing it. Through my addiction and my mental condition, I put you through absolute hell. I deserve nothing but this guilt I'm living with, and I don't want you to be stuck with my toxic mind either. I've been sick in the head long enough before to recognize when there's an issue, and there's a problem now."

William took a break from speaking to watch John. He was staring at William, and for the first time, William noticed how much older John looked than William remembered. He wondered if the wrinkles had been because of him and all the stress he had put John through. There was silence between the two for a long time.

"Did I ever tell you that I saw Mom, in that last year I was actually a normal person?" William spoke softly and slowly, choosing his words carefully. "The year I was in the accident. She killed herself the very next day. How messed up is that? She made me who I am, and I worked so damn hard to get out of her mindset, because it cost me a loving woman who I wanted to marry. But Diana damaged that relationship, too. Because of her, I stopped trusting Elle, and I wouldn't listen to anything she said."

"I'm so sorry, Will," John whispered. "Diana changed me, too. She's manipulative, and I'm so sorry for bringing her into your life."

William frowned. The part of him that trusted no one wanted to tell John he was right. It was all him fault, and none of the blame was William's. But he was working on changing his attitude when he sensed something was off, and he knew that part of him was dead wrong. His father hadn't done anything wrong.

"You don't need to apologize. I was an adult when this happened. I could have left at any time when I felt uneasy around her, but I didn't. It's not your fault."

"You were eighteen, William. You had just graduated and I didn't really want you to move out yet. Even if you were older, you're my son. I will always feel like I should be held at least partially accountable in things like this. It's part of my job as your father to make sure you don't get sick like this, and I failed you. I brought a woman into the house that drugged you and took advantage of you. You're my son, and I love you more than anything else in the world. I shouldn't have let you get hurt."

William's lips turned upward ever-so-slightly. "I know that feeling," he whispered. "I couldn't express that feeling, though. God, the first time I saw Lainie in person she was almost already three. And though I hate where she came from, she's perfect, and she is my daughter."

John smiled and nodded. "Let's tell her, then."