𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆

;end

Ethan Dolan

I look across at her frail body laid limply in the blank bed. I don't like how much white there is around her because it washes out her pretty skin and it just isn't her.

She's so full of colour bursting with excitement and imagination, the type of personality you rarely found in a girl so timid and self restrained.

It was times like this when she's so quiet that it hits me about how much I long to hear her angelic yet childish voice again.

I remember when she first saved my ass back in the library after I'd smashed into the pharmacy. She didn't have to do that for me, it was a criminal offence and I'd never once done anything to make her owe me anything.

That's just the person she was.

That's just the person she is.

"I wish I'd have told you that the meds were for my mom because she couldn't afford the antidepressants she needed. If id have told you maybe you wouldn't have thought I was such a criminal, but hey you still stuck around"

There's no reply which still saddens me.

Her friends had came to visit but they couldn't stay, not as long as me, but that's because they care about their education and all I care about is her.

My brother came with Emre to see her too, both of them were mad at me but none of them were as mad with me as I am with myself.

The police let me off miraculously but that's because when my dad went into custody he admitted to the whole thing being his fault.

I'm thankful for that, he's still my dad, but looking upon her I can't help but know that this started with both me and him.

The sound of the horn is so prominent in my mind, when the poor middle aged man could do nothing but honk for us to move.

I hate myself for it. I think about it every day and dream about it every night. I know that I chose myself over her and I hate myself for it.

"I wish we could swap places right now. I'd do anything to make that happen" I mumble reaching forward and taking her hand between both of mine.

I bring it to my lips and when I pull away I can see the blood on my knuckles from my self hatred.

The first time we kissed was at her house and man do I remember it perfectly. The warm tingle that I had never once felt before deep down in the pit of my stomach.

She makes me feel things I never thought I could or would ever.

I look towards her arms hooked up to almost every damn machine in this place and it reminds me of when I visited my sisters after the crash.

I blamed myself for that and I wasn't even there, this time it really was my fault.

"I'm sorry" I whimper quietly hoping that no one across the curtains could hear my weakness.

I promised her that if she died I'd go with her, I can't loose any one else and if this one is on my shoulders how can I live with myself?