RAINY DAY

1

"Mr. and Mrs. Montemar died in a car crash at midnight" Ang malakas na tunog ng tv at ang malakas na kulog sa labas lamang ang mga tunog na aking naririnig at ang madilim na kuwarto ang tanging kong naaninag. I looked at the screen and noticed that everywhere the camera points to there are many people outside waiting to see the casket of my parents. 

I clenched my fist, I blink once, twice and thrice trying be in sync with what I'm feeling. I tried to cry but there's no tears in my eyes. I don't know what I'm feeling I just feel numb.  How can I describe such feeling? when the only thing I know that I feel is hurting. 

I looked around my room there's no warmth at all. It was as if the paint in the paintings of my mom dried out.  My mom is like a ball of sunshine, she's always smiling, chuckling. in short she's like a comfort machine. flashbacks run to my head reminding me of every detail that I'm gonna miss, I remember vividly how she always sing a song whenever she feels the house is down and now there's no song that's gonna be sung by my mom , because there's no Mom anymore.

 I looked at the tv screen and my heart clenched as it zoom in to the picture of my dad as it was on cue my nostril waits to inhale the familiar scent of my dads strong perfume. and I exhaled deeply as I realized that I'm not gonna smell the strong aroma of my dad's perfume anytime soon, because dad is not here anymore.  unlike my mom, dad is somewhat a conventional father figure. he's strict,  protective and ultimately not expressive. but he always make me feel loved through his actions. I was counting in my head the same time as my hand 1, 2, 3, 4,5 I sighed  looking down at my fingers. My heart broke realizing that we both said our I love you's only five times this year.  It was my fault, I should have said it many times... I should be the one saying I love you first. It sucks that the only thing I can do now is regret. 

I looked at the ceiling , I remember my dad telling me that our ceiling is sturdy. It wouldn't break from any natural calamities he say. I smiled. would it really not break?  there's only one way to find out. I got up and my hands trembles as I put my hand on the air reaching for the ceiling I want to try. I mumbled. 

I run fingers on the rope I have under my bed , I can't help but flinch as I touch it as it was filled with rough texture. Dahil siguro sa matagal na hindi paggamit dito. I was ready or so I thought. I was pushing a black chair but suddenly my feet felt like a jelly, I tried to continue to push it but I was so weak for some reason therefore I stopped pushing the chair. I sat in the floor closing my eyes as I felt the cold air from the AC run to my skin. kanina pa on ang AC but I never felt cold like this I sighed deeply. "Is this your way of stopping me?" I whispered. The air enveloped me into a hug, goosebumps was visible in my arm." I'm sorry" tears without hesitation starts to stream down my face. I hug myself as I sob for like an hour. 

When I calmed down, my cheeks were all flushed, my eyes were all red and puffy, and I started to have runny nose. I was still starring at the rope and chair na linabas ko kanina and I felt guilty. Having this thoughts, I'm sure as hell my mom wouldn't be happy knowing her child is having suicidal thoughts. I was filled with guilt but it was cut short  when I heard my phone constantly vibrating. I sighed not only do I have to deal with myself but I have to deal with all the people that knew my mom and dad. I saw hundreds notifications of messages  that I receive from my friends, relatives and my school community.

But this one message particularly caught my eye. 

"Just pray, remember that God is with you all the time" I sighed looking at my relatives name, is it wrong to say that some load of crap? because it is, It doesn't make me feel any better. I run my fingers down to all the messages and all of them has bible verses or god related stuff. I don't know what to feel...  

I was born in a religious family, my mom and dad never force such belief on me though. they said "faith is not something we can force upon you, we will let you find your way through it." I appreciated it cause I was not associated with godly image, nor  stereotypes. I know it can be handful, with the country we live in na strict on implementing religion. The Bawal ganito, bawal ganyan. list I'm sure that it's handful and hard to navigate.  With that freedom in mind and consequently weighing what I saw from my relatives who said they were religious but then you see right through them how hypocrite they are. how judge mental, how hateful and hurtful they can be nawalan ako ng gana to continue it.

I threw my phone at my bed at sumandal ako sa paanan nito napapikit. How can I live now? I loss my mom and dad and I feel like all of them are expecting me to be okay.  I'm not okay... and it feels not okay. 

The thought of living not surrounded with love and comfort from my mom and dad is so painful. I'm just 18 years old.. how can I do this alone? Nobody prepared me with this.  I felt like dreaming, but this was an absolute nightmare. gusto ko nalang matulog. I mumbled. 

Without thinking twice, without weighing the consequences of drinking too much alcohol , tinungga ko yung bottle of alcohol ni dad. At first I was shocked at how it burns down my throat, but it feels better than feeling the heavy feeling in my chest. I drink non stop.

When I felt that everything around me was blurry, and my mind was at haze. I plopped down on the cold tiled floor. I sighed making myself comfortable, nag uunahan ng pumikit ang aking mata. 

Finally... I smiled as everything went black.